"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable."
- Joyce Brothers
I love my friends. I think, sometimes too strongly. I often wonder and in an attempt to silence those wavering thoughts that perhaps I'm too quick to give my heart. I'm not an easy egg to crack. So once someone cracks through my shell and sees me, actually SEES ME, I'm quick to become attached.
I always worried that when I make friends that I'm quick to give too much of myself. Of course, as strange as it is, not many actually get to see me. Resulting in a very small circle of friends. In fact, they are far and few. So when I meet someone that I connect so incredibly well with, I give them everything, no holding back. I think I should be sheltering my heart a bit. Once before it's lead me down this path, blinded by my own feelings of trust and comfort, I've shared some of my darkest days. Only to find the feelings weren't so mutual.
It's easy to hear what you want to hear, especially when you need to hear it. So how do you pick out those that are being genuine versus those who are using you for their own selfish needs? I guess you could say I feel like an easy target. I crave so badly to be understood, that I seemingly put too much stock into others. I hate when these self doubting thoughts fill my mind. But when you've experienced so much trust being shattered, it's easy for them to creep back into mind.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. But what if I'm right? What if all these little triggers are pointing in the right direction? Am I a pawn in some sick game? Am I simply a fun case of manipulation? And maybe this is the exact reason I'm so prone to losing friends, I second guess their motives. I guess you could say, I don't know what it's like to have a true friend. Not one that didn't/doesn't have some kind of expectation of modification from who I am. Well, not one where I don't feel that change isn't necessary or at least hiding part of who I am.
I don't know.
So maybe the problems not with the friends I select, but rather my own fear of being used and abused. It torments me to think that I'm setting all things pure and good up for an ultimate end of failure based upon my own self conciousness and doubt. I guess I'm just not ready to completely give up on thinking there is someone who understands this complex I consider my life.
My thoughts flutter back and forth between knowing for certain in my heart that I have finally found someone who accepts me even at my worst but yet I can't help but feel as if I'm dedicating so much time and energy into something that may be a facade. I hate it. It's awful. It's always been there. I always feel like I'm waiting. Just simply waiting for the worst to come. Almost undeserving of anything good.
So when the good comes, I wait for it to leave. It always has in the past. So what makes now different? Perhaps I should just keep these thoughts to myself. Perhaps I should let the worry consume my daily life. Perhaps I should throw them out the window and believe that there is some good in humanity today. All these perhaps, leave me with only more questions to answer, more grief to be contained, more disappoint in myself and others, when do you call it quits? How do you call it quits with yourself; to just simply let go of the baggage you've carried so long that you can freely and openly accept life as it is in the now?
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