Miss You

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.  

- Edna St Vincent Millay

Sometimes I wish that you could be right here. Right next to me. Spending hours into the night up talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. I'm constantly wondering how you're doing. How you're holding up. Wishing there was more I could do. Wishing I could give you that long over due hug and to actually be able to say "I am here." and not have miles between us. 

It doesn't seem fair most of the time. I know how lucky I am to have a friend like you. But why then do you have to be so far away? Why can't this be uncomplicated? Well of course then we wouldn't be as tight as we are. I mean eventually you'll get here. Or me there. But in the mean time it kills me just a little bit to know that I can't just pop over to say "Hello." 

It's the little things I wish for most. Things that are not complicated by miles. Things I'm so curious to see for myself. Like your "swagger" and your ridiculous smiles. To see how your eyes light up when you're talking passionately about your love of music. Or to hear your laugh. Not just over the phone but in person. A good hearty laugh, deep from your gut. I know it's getting a bit mushy and such, but lets face it. You made me this way. Oh friend of mine, you mean the world to me. I know you know. 

In many ways, you are my family. You get me and you got my back. What more could I ask for? Miss you, love you, wishing you the best, until we can get that over due hug. :)

Worth It, Always

Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively. 

- Voltaire

Story of my life. Too many things too quickly or sole exclusion of one devastating thought. Up and down and round and round, always on some kind of delirious roller coaster. Sure I have good days and I have bad, everyone does, but when I combine these days with someone else on the same roller coaster it throws off the balancing act upon the tracks. Derailing any and all passengers. 

The one wondrously beautiful thing about this ride though is there is the safety line. Always knowing that no matter how far flung apart we are by these emotional outpourings our hearts and minds bare, we are still tied and true together.  Of many things we are both made. Of many things we hate.  Common ground is love, safety, honesty and true compassionate friendship. It is stronger than anything I've ever witnessed in my life. 

It may be easy for some to throw in the towel and say it's not worth it, but more impressive when you can sit there and say to yourself, I am worth it, I deserve it, hell I'm going to fight to keep it, even when the other party involved doesn't think they are at times. It's your responsibility to be a pillar that supports the structure of your friendship. 

It doesn't work if both are only at 50%. No, both need to be at 100% or it doesn't keep. If you're not willing to put in the effort, work, unconditional love, compassion, passion, forgiveness and apologies when needed and say I'm in it completely, no matter what; it will fall apart. I'm not the easiest person to mix and mingle with, take me at my worst so I can give you my best. Love me for me and not what I pretend to be. At the very least it's what you'll get from me. Always. No matter what. To infinity and beyond.

Yet Again, Another Goodbye to Face

"Be well, do good work, and keep in touch."

- Garrison Keillor

I'm quick to make friendly acquaintances, even quicker to make enemies, but what seems to take forever is to make a true friend. I don't trust easily. I don't connect to many. I don't allow myself to step into relationships where my emotions are put at risk.  Over the last few months, I have opened myself up, though not entirely, but enough to put myself out there. 

I saw someone in need of a friendly ear. Someone who was grieving the loss of her child. Someone who yet still managed to put on a brave face and smile every once in awhile. All I've ever wanted to do in this lifetime is to help someone in their time of need. After losing my father and feeling as if I had no one I could talk to, I vowed to myself to be open to those who are grieving.  Even if it only meant saying "I'm here if you need me." 

We weren't ever really close before, but for still I offered myself in her time of need. I don't have much to offer really. A couple ears, some shoulders, an occasional hug, but more so, just my word. If I say I'm here, I mean it. It doesn't matter to me time of day or night, I am here. 

It took a while before she really even approached me. In the meantime, I would send little reminders, not pressing but simply "thinking of you today, hope you're alright." and things along those lines. I remember the first time we had ever spent any time together. A simple trip to Walmart. It was a little awkward I'll admit. Not knowing much about each other. But I tried to keep the small talk going. It must have paid off though, because before long, we started spending more and more time together. 

As I mentioned, I don't make friends easily. So actually having someone close to do the mundane things with was great. Going on a walk, or even just a trip to Walmart, it was a nice break from all things I've come to know all too well. Isolation in my very own home. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my kids, but I need MY friends too if only for my own sanity. My mom and I too are close, though we don't spend a whole lot of time together as she's got her own busy schedule. My closest friend from high school has since moved to Chicago and I'm lucky to see her once every couple few months.  Another close friend moved to Minneapolis and now we rarely ever speak. My best friend lives in Florida and while we talk on a regular basis, I'm not able to shed tears on real shoulders if needed. 

So having her around, well it was something I wasn't used to. It was wonderful to finally feel like someone was close. Not only in my heart or mind, but actually close. I'm a bit in awe of how quickly the friendship blossomed and how quickly I let her into my heart. Normally I'm much more cautious. I've learned to keep the walls pretty high, but I let them down just enough. Just enough for her to get in and now she says it's soon time for goodbyes. 

She's moving. I know it sounds ridiculous to get all sad and teary eyed. I know this is a good thing for her, and truly I am happy for HER, but it doesn't stop me from being sad for ME. I feel like I've got the plague when it comes to friends being close. They always seem to go away. I guess it's life and life goes on, but why then do I always feel like I'm being left behind? It's so stupid. I feel so stupid for feeling this way. I'm rational enough to know that it doesn't matter the number of miles between friends, but I also cannot help thinking, what's wrong with me? Why does everyone leave? 

For now though, I'm going to try to quit analyzing it and trying to figure out why I have this complex and maybe allow myself to be sad for just a little while. To pout I guess really.

Ever Been Dumbfounded?

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” 

- Robert McCloskey

 

 

Sometimes, I think to myself, why do I not listen to my instincts? Why is it that I just can't keep my mouth shut? I think I may have hurt some feelings today. I hate that. I never want to be the cause. But here's what I don't understand, it was simply a dream I had. I cannot explain where it came from or why I had it, or why it was what it was. It just was. 

 

It seemed pretty clear that it made my friend uncomfortable.  Why do I get myself into these messes? Why can I not keep my mouth shut. Why would I feel it necessary to tell them exactly what I've been dreaming? Or for that matter, anything that comes into mind.  I don't know.  I guess my honesty is coming back to bite me in the ass once again.  Perhaps there are things that should go unsaid.  I just didn't think it was a big deal.  After all, I've shared damn near every dream I've had, well at least those I can remember. 

 

This time it's different though.  It's like because it wasn't a "good" dream I shouldn't talk about it.  I don't know.  I'm just really confused, dumbfounded.  I feel like had I not said a thing, everything would be fine. But I've always said and prided myself on the truth. And well, we were planing on talking about the dreams anyway given our prior conversation.  I hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I feel like I did something awful, yet like I did nothing wrong at all. 

It Hits You and You're Like DUH!

You ever have those moments when you randomly hear a song and it fits everything just so perfectly?  Well I had one of those moments tonight.  I was in the shower doing my thing, dancing, washing my hair, singing way off key, and the next song came on; in an instant, I knew this is exactly what my hearts been trying to say. 

Now why I haven't thought of this song before, I'm not sure why.  After all I love me some George Strait, but still it never occurred to me before tonight. Now you can take the romantic connotation out of this song, or hell even leave it in and it all still makes so much sense. 

But with this song, it was really was a DUH! moment on my part.  I'm not always the best when it comes to expressing how I feel about those I love to them, so I try to show it the best I can.  I've got this great friend, my best friend in fact, and I don't know that I always show him or tell him how much he really means to me.  I mean I try, I'm just not good at it.  So when I heard this song, it says everything I couldn't find the wording to say. 

Just knowing that he cares and loves me for me, well it makes every day a little easier, so when it's a rough one, just knowing I've got his love, well it makes all the difference.  

How Do You Know?

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you.  When you dare to reveal yourself fully.  When you dare to be vulnerable."

- Joyce Brothers

I love my friends.  I think, sometimes too strongly.  I often wonder and in an attempt to silence those wavering thoughts that perhaps I'm too quick to give my heart.   I'm not an easy egg to crack.  So once someone cracks through my shell and sees me, actually SEES ME, I'm quick to become attached. 

I always worried that when I make friends that I'm quick to give too much of myself.  Of course, as strange as it is, not many actually get to see me.  Resulting in a very small circle of friends.  In fact, they are far and few.  So when I meet someone that I connect so incredibly well with, I give them everything, no holding back.  I think I should be sheltering my heart a bit.  Once before it's lead me down this path, blinded by my own feelings of trust and comfort, I've shared some of my darkest days.  Only to find the feelings weren't so mutual. 

It's easy to hear what you want to hear, especially when you need to hear it.  So how do you pick out those that are being genuine versus those who are using you for their own selfish needs?  I guess you could say I feel like an easy target.  I crave so badly to be understood, that I seemingly put too much stock into others.  I hate when these self doubting thoughts fill my mind.  But when you've experienced so much trust being shattered, it's easy for them to creep back into mind. 

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  But what if I'm right?  What if all these little triggers are pointing in the right direction?  Am I a pawn in some sick game?  Am I simply a fun case of manipulation?  And maybe this is the exact reason I'm so prone to losing friends, I second guess their motives.  I guess you could say, I don't know what it's like to have a true friend.  Not one that didn't/doesn't have some kind of expectation of modification from who I am.  Well, not one where I don't feel that change isn't necessary or at least hiding part of who I am. 

I don't know.

So maybe the problems not with the friends I select, but rather my own fear of being used and abused.  It torments me to think that I'm setting all things pure and good up for an ultimate end of failure based upon my own self conciousness and doubt.  I guess I'm just not ready to completely give up on thinking there is someone who understands this complex I consider my life. 

My thoughts flutter back and forth between knowing for certain in my heart that I have finally found someone who accepts me even at my worst but yet I can't help but feel as if I'm dedicating so much time and energy into something that may be a facade.  I hate it.  It's awful.  It's always been there.  I always feel like I'm waiting.  Just simply waiting for the worst to come.  Almost undeserving of anything good. 

So when the good comes, I wait for it to leave.  It always has in the past.  So what makes now different?  Perhaps I should just keep these thoughts to myself.  Perhaps I should let the worry consume my daily life.  Perhaps I should throw them out the window and believe that there is some good in humanity today.  All these perhaps, leave me with only more questions to answer, more grief to be contained, more disappoint in myself and others, when do you call it quits?  How do you call it quits with yourself; to just simply let go of the baggage you've carried so long that you can freely and openly accept life as it is in the now? 

Talent With A Troubled Past

So last night in the wee hours of the morning I found myself watching the show Intervention on A&E.  Now, normally I don't watch too many of these shows, but last night was different.  Last night, I could relate to the loneliness that haunted Joe.  You can check out his story here.  While we don't have much in common, I still could not help but to feel for this man, not much older than myself.

Something about the empty feeling of loneliness he felt, knowing in my own time, I too had been there, made me want to reach out to him.  To give him a shoulder.  To be a friend.  Now, while I hadn't gone to the extremes Joe did, I found my own way to cope.  That can be saved for a later time.  What really surprised me about this episode though was the effect it had on me.  For whatever reason, Joe's family seemingly pin pointed him as the "bad guy" when really all he ever wanted was to feel acceptance, love, friendship, anything but loneliness. 

To be honest, I don't usually feel all that sympathetic to people who are struggling with an addiction.  That sounds awful even ignorant, I know.  But please don't take it that way, I am aware that with every addiction there is a story of how it started.  Though all too often it seems the story comes from peer pressure or being a rebelious teen.  Don't get me wrong, I too have been a teenager once, so I know the pressures that are put on teens and believe me, I know all about being "rebelious."  I did a few things in my day that I'm certainly not proud of.

What I find most facinating about Joe is the incredible talent he has.  The one video I have found and posted shows what an beautiful gift he has for music.  I am simply awwed by it.  For what it's worth, I hope Joe stays clean, finds happiness, continues in his music endeavors and becomes a real success story.  So far, I would say he's just that, a success.  I wish him the best.

Who knew an episode of Intervention would leave me with such a fondness for a stranger?

Cashmere & Laughs

"As an adult I've found the reason why my mother and I disagreed so much in my childhood.  I'm a replica of her and now that I'm older and have those "I just sounded like my mother."  moments, I do not scoff, I take pride."

- Babers

My mother is my friend.  Well now that I'm older anyway.  For years in my childhood, we couldn't even be in the same room without some sort of argument occurring.  I am so much like my mother, the similarities in our personality, our sense of humor, our outlook on life, can be quite uncanny.  Sometimes I wish I would have seen the revelation sooner in life, though it didn't take too long, but I think of the years wasted between us.  Well, wasted is a harsh word, they were never wasted, but it certainly wasn't the happiest time for either of us.  After all, what mother and child would want to fight constantly?

Man was I a stubborn problem child.  Though in my defense, I am my mother's daughter.  She had a good chance of knowing what was to come from me.  Now, my mom is a constant driving force in my life.  I can honestly say, I am just like my mother, and you know what, it's not a bad thing.  I can only hope I have the same relationship with my own children as I have with my mom. 

Yesterday, we embarked on a clothes shopping trip amongst other things.  Let me be the first to say, I really don't care for clothes shopping.  I'm one of those short, fairly well busted girls who's got to try on every pair of jeans and every single top on to be sure they fit.  It's a long process.  While my mother on the hand is very tall and slender, smaller chest, but yes, my mother and I have clothes shopping issues.  I believe in one instance yesterday, we took 10 items into the dressing room only to come out with 3 items between us. 

Kohls is such a great place to shop.  Where else can you save $70 on a cashmere sweater?  I've yet to find such a shop.  One thing I love most about my mom, is the fact that the two of us can spend nearly 3 hours in the store, trying on a ton of clothes, including my mother getting into a jumper for sheer giggles, FYI: it would have made for a great UPS stripper costume!, and still be in such a good mood at the end of our nearly 7 hour excursion. 

I can honestly say, I'm blessed to have my mom as my friend.  Never would have seen it in the forecast when I was between 8-13 but I'm happy how things panned out.  I am a spitting image of my mother and I couldn't be more proud.

It's My Birthday!

"Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown.  No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end.  Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing."

- Jerry Seinfeld

Another year older.  Sure, I could be as admittedly, I have been in past years, desolate in terms of my birthday, after all, it's just another day right?  Well this past year I have been truely blessed to have a new found friend, who on my birthday today, made me feel like I was the most important person in the world.  Who doesn't want that; especially on their birthday?  I never knew how much a simple gift of words could be worth.  To my friend, I would like to say thank you.  Your words are a treasured gift. 

As far as Jerry Seinfeld goes, it must be a sad, sad world to live in to have such a dismal view on birthdays.  I too have known that sad world, and would just like to say, it is possible for growth within yourself.  I certainly am not the same person today as I was 5-10 years ago.  Life changes, circumstances change, and certainly, there are little life gifts that are given to us in forms of simple pleasures and friendship.  Sometimes, we may not recognize these gifts in front of us and it becomes too late to take joy in their presence, we'll never get those moments back. 

So on that note a little word of advice, take a moment to appreciate the beauty in your life and all that is good.  If you have a mouse in your wall, just be happy you have a home to live in, if all you have to keep you company is a pad of paper and a pen, be happy that you can now make your own world come alive, feel the rain fall on your face, watch the clouds above soaring past, step barefoot in the grass, or snow in my current case, and enjoy the sensations that you are alive. 

Needs VS Wants

"Necessity is not an established fact, but an interpretation."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

When I'm think of my needs, there are far and few true necessities.  Air, shelter, food, and water; are the necessities to survive.  But what about happiness, human connections, and most importantly love?  Do they fall under the category of a necessity?  Or are they simply wants? 

Of course, it is in our nature to desire social interactions, happiness and love, but does it mean that we cannot survive without these things?  If we were to remove ourselves from everything society has shown us to be considered the norm, where would we be?   Is it possible, to find love and happiness if we remove the social interactions from our lives?  Solace, simple living, alone.  Can one find contentment in themselves to the point of a blissful, long lasting love affair within themselves?  Or is love and happiness only available when others are introduced into the picture? 

But then the question begs to be asked; why is it always said that in order to love another, you must love yourself first?  I'm not sure I fully understand this concept, as I have, for many years, been in a love hate relationship of my own.  I love my kids, I love my mother, I love my husband, and I love my very dear friends, but I certainly don't always love myself.  It's easy for me to preach the words and to make sense of them, but should I be allowed to give the advice, if I myself, have yet to figure out how to do the very same thing?

 

Through Someone Else's Eyes

"We often have this idea of ourselves that is completely false until we're lucky enough to have someone shine new light and perspective upon us."

-Babers

From the outside looking in has always been a fascinating viewpoint to have.  I, along with millions of other people in this world, enjoy people watching.  For some of us, it's about being creative and making up stories of what the others are doing, saying, etc.  For others, it's simply the admiration of human life, and for some like me, it's all about the human interactions and trying to see beyond the outer shell of the person.  Perhaps, it's because I spend so much time hiding the person inside of me, that I try to see the same thing in others.  To see the real person in front of me, not just what they give me.

There will always be a false bravado in today's society, and perhaps that's for the best.  I know in my case, if my every thought, action, and seemingly down right self hatred moment escaped into the midst of my daily life, there would most likely be nothing left of what I consider to be my normal.  Far and few, have come to see the depths of who I am as a person, in honesty, some of those that would be considered closest, still have no idea as to who I am at my core.  Frankly, some days I don't even know who I am. 

However, last June, I become connected to someone from my past, who honestly, was never really a part of it.  That sure does sound confusing doesn't it?  Mainly, we're from the same small town, our mothers worked together briefly, and we shared some of the same friends, though we, ourselves were never much more than a face in the crowd to each other.  Over the last 6/7 months we've become closer than any other friendship I've had over the course of my lifetime.  Our commonalities, our backgrounds, and the hardships we've both faced in our lives has been truly remarkable in the sense of their pairing, almost as if they were from the same cloth.  I've never been more comfortable in my own skin, than when I'm sharing day to day basics or getting to the grimy underside of our pasts.