Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Crazy.

At times I feel a little crazy. More often than you'd care to imagine. More often than I'd like to share, and more often than I'll ever understand. So simply does it seem to wash over me like blood pouring from an open wound across the skin and down to the floor. Yet, I let it. Rather than sewing it up and putting in the stitches my crazy so needs, I let it stain the fabric of my life.

What kind of mess is this crazy creating? From one day to the next, I swear sometimes I don't know who or what I am or am supposed to be. I wonder how this crazy of mine effects those around me. Do they even know? Can they even see it? That despite the little outbursts, every single day is a challenge to channel my crazy into a cozy little corner in the back of my mind.

To keep up the fences and guards at my door is exhausting, but exceedingly necessary. How long can I keep the crazy contained? How long can I keep everyone happy? How long can I love everyone else, if I cannot even find the belief or strength to love myself? Maybe the crazy is just all chaos I've created on my own. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe the reason I'm crazy is because I don't know what it's like to be anything else? Maybe I need to be crazy. Maybe that's my purpose. To drive myself so exasperatingly crazy that I have no choice but to be insane.

Maybe I want to be crazy, because the problem is that I'm far too sane. That I know and see and feel things all too much. That it's all too real and that, that is the source of my insanity. I'm insane because I'm completely sane and see all that it is for what it is, without filter, no rose colored glasses, simply for the shit storm surrounding us all. Watching everything and everyone decay under the weight of the world. But maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm just talking crazy again. 


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

It's Been Awhile

I've been stable. Well.. for the most part. Life grabs hold of my soul and shakes it back and forth like a rag doll. Tattered and torn and simply feeling the decay of it all. But I'm stable.  I wonder if I say it often enough it will ring true? If my stability is sincere or simply the best lie I've told myself yet.

In quiet reflection, I ask myself to face the deepest of truths and I still refuse to answer them. It's most likely because I don't want to admit my failures. Story of my life. What's interesting about this post. It's coming off of a past two incredible days. And yet here I am... unable to grasp the concept of what should be.

Maybe I'm just not ready to come to terms with reality.