Wednesday, November 23, 2011

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over." 
- Gloria Naylor

So I need to get this off my chest. Sometimes, I feel things. It can all start with a little seedling thought that my brain cannot help but plant, then nurture and grow until it has become so large that it starts to take over all other functioning thoughts that my brain can produce. Suffocating them until it is left to be the only thought. I want to avoid the suffocating this time. I want to put a stop to it before it takes root. 

I'm easily confused, torn, struggling with my emotions. This is nothing new, this you know. As of lately things have been... different. Maybe it's the time of year. Maybe it's a mountain made of little stones all adding up. Maybe it's me. It takes longer to get a response. You're distant, but not cold. You're quiet, yet not reserved. You're talkative, but sporadically and about nothing much. I find myself mirroring you, all because of this little seedling. 
You see, I understand your desires to not share everything, to not divulge all the details, to keep somethings to yourself. I'm not used to it. In fact, it's utterly confusing. But I'm trying to come to terms with it. To not nit pick every little thing; to not let little seedlings be planted. I've done well, only one itty bitty weak seedling has made it's way through. As weak as it was to begin with, it's roots have sprouted and are starting to take hold. Of this I am not a fan. 

This seedling; it started off noticing these... changes in behaviors. I know I've been under the weather and perhaps that's made me less than conversational, but I've tried to keep up to my usual. You said you needed to and were working on making changes. These changes you did not make clear. The tasks to make the changes, I'm unsure of, and I hate that because you said this things, and could not or would not divulge them, it makes me feel less than comfortable, especially when I noticed the other changes. 

These other changes or changes in behaviors, they could have absolutely nothing to do with me. And that's what I've been telling myself. It's why I haven't said anything. I've rationalized this over and over again. Neither of us have been feeling so well as of lately.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Found A Way To Hope - Ever Changing

Words are amazing. Pictures breathtaking. SOAM is inspiring, uplifting and in it's own right practically therapeutic at least for me. I guess by now you're probably wonder what SOAM stands for; Shape of a Mother.  Today, like nearly every other day in my life, after waking I  got dressed to greet the day. 

 Nothing unusual about the task, after all it's simply putting on a few articles of clothing. Though simple as simple is, I can take any task and find a way to criticize or analyze myself. Most often, doing this task, it usually comes down to my body. My ever changing body. My scars, my stretch marks, my flappy stomach, dimpled butt cheeks, cellulite covered thighs and my beautiful breasts.  Those of you who've managed to dig through all of my blogs randomness have probably read a few posts regarding my body issues. I've had them for years. 

I've fought my battles with both anorexia and bulimia, self love and self hate. And I've also had a life changing miracle happen, motherhood, TWICE! Each and every day is a different day. Now, in the moment, for the most part I'm okay with myself. I've accepted myself. Does that mean I love every inch of skin? No. Does it mean you'll find me scantily clad or breaking out the bikini? No. Will I ever feel the same about my body as I did 5 years ago? No. My body is ever changing.   

In the past two days, I have become an avid visitor to the SOAM website. To be honest, I was having a fat, disgusted with myself, wanting change kind of day. After many many google searches on the best and healthy way to lose the flap of skin on my stomach post baby, (yes I know, I know, my kids are 4 and 2, I just haven't found any lasting motivation. Still working on that, please I beg of you, give me time!) I decided to do a search on postpartum bellies of real mothers, and that's when I came across SOAM.  Of course celebrities are real mothers as well and I give them props for how quickly they bounce back, but I was looking for your every day moms. The ones who work, or stay home, or do a combination of the two. Or the single moms, or the moms with large families. I wanted to see every day women like the women I run into at the grocery store, but I always felt it would be a little awkward and inappropriate to ask them to show me their stomachs in the middle of the cereal isle. 

The SOAM website allows you to read their stories in their words, with their photographs. To me, this has been a gift. A way to hope. A way to acknowledge that the way I feel about my body on any given day is not only acceptable, but valid. I have feelings. I have my good days and I have my bad days as I have said before. But SOAM in so many ways has allowed my vision to change and to be a little less hard on myself. To be more accepting of what my body has become and the empowerment to know that if I want to change my body, I can; it is ever changing. 

Ever Changing.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Still I

"Step aside the quicksand tide, walk along the empty shoreline. Seek nothing, but wander no less; time to put this pain to rest. Fade in and out, dawn’s weary light, fighting to defeat the night. Abating and tired, still pushing on; thumbing through purposes long gone. Pondering passions; never cease. Worthlessness bleed over me, in pain, in strife, in fight or flight, it’s time to get something right. Right or wrong; night has succumbed to dawn. Daylight shines so pristine and bright. Still I wander, still I weep."
- Babers

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Inner Ramblings Expressed

"The last stroke of midnight dies. All day in the one chair, from dream to dream and rhyme to rhyme I have ranged in rambling talk with an image of air. Vague memories, nothing but memories."
- William Butler Yeats
A collection or ramblings running through my mind tonight. I try not to dwell on one subject too long as they always seem to turn into a negative black pit that I struggle to climb my way out of. Rather than listen to the thoughts as they fly so effortlessly through, I numb myself. I find any source of distraction I can tolerate. Everything seems to take so much energy. I feel drained. 

Little by little its all tumbling down. Spontaneous breaks in the monotonous hum drums of just getting through. Smiles and laughs brought upon by the two little beams of sunshine that keep me going. I'm not hurt, or angry, or sad even. I just feel drained. Like it's all too much work. Even the things I am usually able to find so much joy in are losing their luster. 

I can be smiling one minute filled with motivation and in the next it's like the universe comes to a screeching halt and I get stuck. I feel like I'm filled with sludge. My arms and legs heavy, my muscles too weak to even carry their own weight. Physically, I am capable. Mentally, I'm defeated. 

I do this to myself. Every now and again. Sometimes I feel like I have to. To wear myself so thin, so close to the breaking point just to remind myself I cannot do it all. I cannot be it all. I cannot. Yet, I have trouble saying no and the worst part in that, is not that I can't say no to others, but when I can't say no to myself. You can stay up just one more hour longer to get the dishes done. It's time to make up for wasted days. Days like today. Moments like this very one. 

I thought maybe just maybe if I wrote it down tonight I'll be able to shut off my mind and get some much needed sleep. Wake up to a whole new day, with a new found source of energy and a goal in mind. The problem is, I'm negative. Pray for the best, but prepare for the worst. I think it comes back to bite me in the ass more often than it helps save me from the disappointment. 

I wonder if all this negativity that I let dwell inside my soul is weighing me down; and yet, I don't know how to let go of it. The slightly ironic thing about all of this is, I tend to be a hypocrite. I preach positivity and good karma and all that fluffy bullshit that gets thrown out there and here I am. Praying for the best, but preparing for the worst. Do they cancel each other out? Is that why I feel I'm stuck in a perpetual cycle of nothingness. 

Where am I going in life? What do I want out of life? Why can't I figure it out? Will I ever figure it out? Or should I just stop planning? Should I just go with the flow of things? I can't. I need some sort of focus. I feel like I'm lacking it. I'm lacking in all areas that I know I could excel in. School, job, the daily grind. I could be so much better than I am. It's not about being better than the next or keeping up with the Jones' or even chasing the "American Dream." Fuck the American Dream. I just want to improve myself. I want to be a better version of who I am. The person I thought I was capable of being. When and why did I stop believing? Did I ever really believe? Or was I being naive? 

They say good things come to those who wait; well how long does it take? I mean how long should I keep waiting? Long enough to settle into becoming a simple shell of all the things I once thought I could be? Where is my fight? Have I given up on myself? Should I? I'm starting to think that of all the things I once daydreamed about are just now memories and there is no way to get that passion back. 

But this rambling has gone on long enough and while my mind is overflowing, it's time I put the flood gates up and call it a night. The morning alarm is going to be hell on me. I feel it in my bones. Truth be told, I don't have a reason to set the alarm. I'm not working in the morning, but maybe that's what I need to do. Force myself to face the day. Find a way out of this funk no matter what it takes. Even if it means setting the alarm for 6:30 am, grabbing a cold shower and planning some kind of routine for the day. If I can do this, if I can pull myself from my bed rather than letting all this sludge and muck keep me soporific and apathetic, maybe I'll get lucky and find a way back to a bit of normalcy and balance. 

 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Nothing Noteworthy.

"Dark shadows dancing on the ceiling, softly swaying in the flickering candles glow. What once was there, we’ll never know. Watching shadows in their rhythmic ways until they disband into a pool of obscurity, my mind counts the ways that things will never be the same. Long forgotten days, buried beneath piles of counterfeit smiles, and forced hellos; I’m a crook in many ways. Bringing cheapened moments of happiness to those who surround me, only to know inside, everything is a lie. Day to day and night after night, silent unseen tears are shed. My burden to bare, the weight of my mind, life will surely kill me in due time."
- Babers

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Miss You

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.  
- Edna St Vincent Millay


Sometimes I wish that you could be right here. Right next to me. Spending hours into the night up talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. I'm constantly wondering how you're doing. How you're holding up. Wishing there was more I could do. Wishing I could give you that long over due hug and to actually be able to say "I am here." and not have miles between us. 

It doesn't seem fair most of the time. I know how lucky I am to have a friend like you. But why then do you have to be so far away? Why can't this be uncomplicated? Well of course then we wouldn't be as tight as we are. I mean eventually you'll get here. Or me there. But in the mean time it kills me just a little bit to know that I can't just pop over to say "Hello." 

It's the little things I wish for most. Things that are not complicated by miles. Things I'm so curious to see for myself. Like your "swagger" and your ridiculous smiles. To see how your eyes light up when you're talking passionately about your love of music. Or to hear your laugh. Not just over the phone but in person. A good hearty laugh, deep from your gut. I know it's getting a bit mushy and such, but lets face it. You made me this way. Oh friend of mine, you mean the world to me. I know you know. 

In many ways, you are my family. You get me and you got my back. What more could I ask for? Miss you, love you, wishing you the best, until we can get that over due hug. :)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Chain Reaction

"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."
- William Shakespeare


I try to live my life by this. I mean granted, I guess there are all different forms of love, but for me in this instance is to want the best for every soul I encounter. I know it sounds a little Ms. America of me, but really all I want is for everyone to be able to enjoy at least a little slice of inner peace and happiness. Is that so much to ask? Of course it is I suppose on the large scale. After all, there are millions of people in this world and I've only met a tiny percentage of them, but it doesn't stop me from feeling compassion, empathy, hoping for the best, for the greatest outcome. 

I know I cannot change the entire world. I know that I cannot be the cause of something that sweeps over society, that touches every persons heart. But what I know I can do, is to be the best version of myself for those I love and those I encounter. Of course the world is filled with "bad" people. People who are only in it for themselves, murderers and other various criminals, and politicians who do not mean what they say. But that is always going to be a fact we must face. Until each and every person stops living for themselves and starts living for others, we won't have our utopia and let's be clear, the likelihood of that ever happening entirely, is such a miniscule fragment of possibility that I can only do my part. 

In doing my part, if I can make a difference in one persons world where they will pick up on my love and actions and apply them to their own life, then my job is done. Chain reaction is what I'm going for. So if not directly effecting everyone, I've got hopes that by through this invisible chain, maybe just maybe the world can be a better place.  

Monday, June 27, 2011

Perpetual Cycle

"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength."
- August Wilson
It sounds easy enough doesn't it? Rarely is that the case. Nothing is ever easy though is it? There's always something in the way of finding our own inner peace. In my case, the issue is me. I'm not sure I want to know and realize all of the awful things that dwell inside me. The truth is I don't like myself very much. 
I'm never certain. Always doubting myself. Which I guess doesn't sound like an awful thing in and of itself, but when you add it to everything else going on, it leaves me feeling less than. Always thinking of the what if's in life and if only and am I resting? Am I capable of more? Am I just destined to be stuck in this sad state of being not living. If I wanted to I can't because of x, y, and z. It's like I'm full of excuses. I hate it. I hate that about myself. 

 I just feel like I'm trapped in this perpetual cycle of let downs that's only caused by me. I don't know how to fix me. I don't know how to keep it at bay. I cry my tears alone in the dark my face illuminated by the glow of the TV. It's easier to sleep alone on the couch than to risk waking anyone upstairs. It's fine really. The tears don't bother me, not when I'm alone. At least no one sees it. No one has to know that I don't feel like getting out of bed. That most nights I go to sleep praying that I won't wake up the next day. 

No one needs to know these things. Each day is a new day with a new demon to face. As long as I can make it one day at a time, each day will pass slowly. And in good time, I've got to run out of demons. I mean, how many can there be? Eventually I"ll want to wake in the morning and will be able to sleep at night.  

I've been here before, I'm sure I'll be here again, it always passes... if only to say at the least, eventually. 

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fathers Day Blues

Today is never an easy day for me. Father's Day. I miss him so much on days like this. I hate how badly it hurts to think he's not here and of all the things he's missed. So today I'll do what I do best and turn to my favorite coping mechanism; music. I'm going to list the top 5 songs that remind me of my father. 


#1) White Room, Cream

This song will always remind me of my father. Growing up we had started remodeling our home. In particular the living room. At one point all that we had on the walls was the texture matting which was white and black curtains as my father worked nights and slept during the day.  Being my father's daughter, I had picked up his taste in music and was quite familiar with this song. As a joke one day, my dad and I were working on cleaning up some of the excess spray in the living room and I started to sing "In the white room with black curtains..." Of course we both cracked up. And for the next few years it was often a joke we referred back to. When my father was in the last stages of his cancer he was so hopped up on morphine to control the pain that he wasn't really lucid. And every once in a while, he would just start singing this song and smile. 


  
#2) Holes in the Floor of Heaven, Steve Wariner

 This is the song I chose to have my "father/daughter" dance with at my wedding. I felt it was necessary to still pay tribute to my father on my "big day" and this was the best way I knew how.  And while I'm not certain if there is a heaven or hell, it's nice to think that he is watching over me. 


#3) The Greatest Man I Never Knew, Reba McIntire

Any time I hear this song, I immediately think of the relationship I had with my father. It was sometimes down right awful the way we could treat one another, but I guess that's just how the chips fell. I only hope that though we had our fair share of turbulence, the good outshines the bad. 

   
#4) Crimson and Clover, Joan Jett

This song in particular makes me think of my dad because the summer before the cancer took hold and took his life, my dad had some old friends visiting from out of town. One of the days they were there was a "party" of sorts. Nothing crazy, just some cards, quarters, and of course a few beverages. I remember my father going over to the stereo and turning up the volume on this song and starting to sing the ba da da da da's. Still makes me smile. 


#5) Hey Good Lookin, Hank Williams 

Lastly, this one is probably one of my favorite memories. I love to cook, my father knew this, so on days when he was actually home for breakfast or hell even if he had woken up at 2 pm, I'd know if I heard his out of tune, wrong pitch singing of Hey Good Lookin, he was looking from some breakfast. I still know just what I would make, two eggs over easy, four pieces of toast with butter, and as much bacon as we had in the cupboard. If only I could make this for him one more time.   

Friday, June 17, 2011

Sunscreen, I Do Agree


Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) - Baz Luhrmann
Now you may be wondering why I post some of the things I do; truth is: most of the time I don't know the reason behind it either. What I do know, it comes from where the mind has been placed that day. Since today I have no thought process, or no motivational inspirations to share, I figure I would pass along one of the most famous and inspirational songs of all time, at least in my own opinion. It is based off of an essay that was published in the Chicago Tribune June 1st of 1997 by an author of the name Mary Schmich.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Worth It, Always

Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively. 
- Voltaire


Story of my life. Too many things too quickly or sole exclusion of one devastating thought. Up and down and round and round, always on some kind of delirious roller coaster. Sure I have good days and I have bad, everyone does, but when I combine these days with someone else on the same roller coaster it throws off the balancing act upon the tracks. Derailing any and all passengers. 

The one wondrously beautiful thing about this ride though is there is the safety line. Always knowing that no matter how far flung apart we are by these emotional outpourings our hearts and minds bare, we are still tied and true together.  Of many things we are both made. Of many things we hate.  Common ground is love, safety, honesty and true compassionate friendship. It is stronger than anything I've ever witnessed in my life. 

It may be easy for some to throw in the towel and say it's not worth it, but more impressive when you can sit there and say to yourself, I am worth it, I deserve it, hell I'm going to fight to keep it, even when the other party involved doesn't think they are at times. It's your responsibility to be a pillar that supports the structure of your friendship. 

It doesn't work if both are only at 50%. No, both need to be at 100% or it doesn't keep. If you're not willing to put in the effort, work, unconditional love, compassion, passion, forgiveness and apologies when needed and say I'm in it completely, no matter what; it will fall apart. I'm not the easiest person to mix and mingle with, take me at my worst so I can give you my best. Love me for me and not what I pretend to be. At the very least it's what you'll get from me. Always. No matter what. To infinity and beyond.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Apparently

Never before have I let my walls down so much and became so enveloped in another human. I find it hard to hide even the smallest thoughts, and yet somehow along the way, they find me fake. A liar, someone of deception and only in it for kicks. I don't take to kindly to being considered unreal. I pride my self on my honesty, loyalty, and unconditional love. Apparently it's not good enough. Apparently it doesn't shine as brightly as I once thought it did. Apparently, all those things I'm supposed to be have been twisted into some form of monster that causes inevitable pain, torture. It's not my fault they say, but I participated, I helped form, create and morph this grief. How can I not blame myself? How can I not feel like this? Like someone has just torn my beating heart from my chest and put it on display only to be picked apart by vultures? They were right when they said I didn't deserve this. I don't and neither do they. What's next? I have no clue. I'm just going to be waiting, because no matter how I'm feeling in this moment, no matter how many tears I'm going to cry, I can't stop loving them even if I tried.

Think THEN Speak

“Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” 
– Dr. Laurence J. Peter


Sometimes I have knee jerk reactions to little things. Things I often assume attack me directly; when in reality, they may or may not. I have no way of knowing.  Despite my somewhat cold exterior others perceive, I take everything to heart when it involves those I care about. I'm great about not letting it show, but often I've learned in the course of my life that I'm very quick to display anger when really I'm hurt. I think a lot of people do this, though I can only speak for myself. 

In an instant, I feel the pain and bury it deep inside and cover it up with smiles and good humor.  Never wanting to let it show in anyway, but it does. Eventually it comes out in a rage.  I find myself argumentative and wanting to inflict the same torment on those that have caused it in me, but rather than being coy or indirect about it, I tend to just throw fuel on the fire and let it burn bigger and brighter and hotter than it ever needs to be.  

Think before you speak. It's a simple concept, one that most parents try to instill in their children, though it doesn't always work. Emotions take control and kick clarity out the car while going 90 mph on the freeway.  The only thing you have left is the aftermath. The feelings of guilt, shame, wounded pride, and complete devastation wash over you like a shower of acidic rain.  

When I hurt, I want others to hurt. I want them to feel the same pain that has been inflicted on me, and sometimes it's not directed where it should go. I always try to do the right thing, think then speak, but it doesn't always happen. Right now I'm lucky. I've been able to bite my tongue until the bloods pouring like hot lava down the back of my throat. I'm hoping to give it a little time to breathe, to cool and to chip away at the molten mess little by little until the clean up is complete and there's nothing left to resolve. 

 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Art of Appreciation

"Horse Skull with White Rose" by Georgia O'Keeffe


Every once in a while I take a moment to peruse a few pieces of art. I always always seem to come back to Georgia O'Keeffe's work though. Perhaps it's because a long time ago while I was just in Jr. High I wrote a report  about her.  She's actually quite fascinating, though admittedly my taste in art has since changed from those early days, but I still pay homage you could say to the woman who inspired me to start digging in the first place. 

Even if you don't like art or find any interest in it, the world is filled with unknown artists who with any luck will maybe make a mere $50 off of their work over the course of their lifetime. Many of which are completely at peace with this as they don't pour over their art for the money it's for the peace of mind, the love, the passion of which drives them to create.  I envy these artists. The ones who create out of passion. 

I wish I had that passion in life. For something, anything really, I'm always craving something of the creative space, but I try and I fail, or in my own eyes at least. I cannot commit I suppose. So I'm thankful to, at the very least, rest in a place of appreciation for those who can create.  Go do some digging and find something that moves you. Maybe you love O'Keeffe, or Van Gogh, but why not look into the lesser knowns such as Lewis Carroll or that kid you saw doodling on his notebook every day in class. Look, learn, investigate, feel, devour, and appreciate art.  

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Things We Do For Love

“Whatever they grow up to be, they are still our children, and the one most important of all the things we can give to them is unconditional love. Not a love that depends on anything at all except that they are our children.”
- Rosaleen Dickson


You ever find yourself so aggravated with your kids that you just want to run away and hide? It happens to me all the time. In fact right now, it's 11 PM and my daughter is still not sleeping. Grant it today was a big, exciting day! Our annual zoo trip. But what that means for mom, is that she was up until 1:30 am the night before and back up by 6 and has been a constant go go go since then. All I want is for her to relax and finally fall asleep.

It gets me to thinking, why do I get that stressed? Why can't I just relax? Calm down, take a moment to breath? I let it go so long that I keep my cool, and then for awhile I just so easily flip my lid to the point that I just can't even come up with my own new phrases. I'm just sticking with the same ol same ol humdrum run of the mill phrases. 

Crikey I'm not even making much more sense. We'll leave it at that rather than filling in my own words of wisdom on parenting and love and patience and all that hunky dory bullspit that doesn't even come to mind. This tired chica is hitting the sack. Perhaps I'll touch on this again, when I'm not so tired.

Friday, June 3, 2011

My Life, My Music

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."
- Victor Hugo 


There's something about the way a lyric reaches right into my soul and claims it's space. I've always been fond of music. It's my one constant. Perhaps I've already referred to it as my religion before? I cannot remember. It's been far and few I've been logging into the site to update my blog. My apologies. I cannot help but feel it's a life saving force in my own livelihood. 

There's really no reason for this random post about music really, it's just what I was feeling. It's something everyone can relate to on some level. Even if it's not as significant in your life as it is mine, everyone tunes into some, a beat, a lyric, hell even just a note in a song can grab your attention. 

My one suggestion in the course of your life is to be open to all forms of music. Not everything is going to move you so to speak, but there is so much beauty to explore in the music world. And really, it makes you feel a little bit of someone else. The writer of the song. Now grant it, not all songwriters pour themselves into the lyrics they write but I have a feeling the only way a song is really going to speak to an audience is if it's something they can relate to. Something that lets them know they are not the only ones feeling that way and that has got to stem from somewhere. 

Music is one of those little gifts in life. Treasure it.   

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Yet Again, Another Goodbye to Face

"Be well, do good work, and keep in touch."
- Garrison Keillor
I'm quick to make friendly acquaintances, even quicker to make enemies, but what seems to take forever is to make a true friend. I don't trust easily. I don't connect to many. I don't allow myself to step into relationships where my emotions are put at risk.  Over the last few months, I have opened myself up, though not entirely, but enough to put myself out there. 
I saw someone in need of a friendly ear. Someone who was grieving the loss of her child. Someone who yet still managed to put on a brave face and smile every once in awhile. All I've ever wanted to do in this lifetime is to help someone in their time of need. After losing my father and feeling as if I had no one I could talk to, I vowed to myself to be open to those who are grieving.  Even if it only meant saying "I'm here if you need me." 

We weren't ever really close before, but for still I offered myself in her time of need. I don't have much to offer really. A couple ears, some shoulders, an occasional hug, but more so, just my word. If I say I'm here, I mean it. It doesn't matter to me time of day or night, I am here. 
It took a while before she really even approached me. In the meantime, I would send little reminders, not pressing but simply "thinking of you today, hope you're alright." and things along those lines. I remember the first time we had ever spent any time together. A simple trip to Walmart. It was a little awkward I'll admit. Not knowing much about each other. But I tried to keep the small talk going. It must have paid off though, because before long, we started spending more and more time together. 

As I mentioned, I don't make friends easily. So actually having someone close to do the mundane things with was great. Going on a walk, or even just a trip to Walmart, it was a nice break from all things I've come to know all too well. Isolation in my very own home. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my kids, but I need MY friends too if only for my own sanity. My mom and I too are close, though we don't spend a whole lot of time together as she's got her own busy schedule. My closest friend from high school has since moved to Chicago and I'm lucky to see her once every couple few months.  Another close friend moved to Minneapolis and now we rarely ever speak. My best friend lives in Florida and while we talk on a regular basis, I'm not able to shed tears on real shoulders if needed. 

So having her around, well it was something I wasn't used to. It was wonderful to finally feel like someone was close. Not only in my heart or mind, but actually close. I'm a bit in awe of how quickly the friendship blossomed and how quickly I let her into my heart. Normally I'm much more cautious. I've learned to keep the walls pretty high, but I let them down just enough. Just enough for her to get in and now she says it's soon time for goodbyes. 

She's moving. I know it sounds ridiculous to get all sad and teary eyed. I know this is a good thing for her, and truly I am happy for HER, but it doesn't stop me from being sad for ME. I feel like I've got the plague when it comes to friends being close. They always seem to go away. I guess it's life and life goes on, but why then do I always feel like I'm being left behind? It's so stupid. I feel so stupid for feeling this way. I'm rational enough to know that it doesn't matter the number of miles between friends, but I also cannot help thinking, what's wrong with me? Why does everyone leave? 
For now though, I'm going to try to quit analyzing it and trying to figure out why I have this complex and maybe allow myself to be sad for just a little while. To pout I guess really.