Perpetual Cycle

"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength."

- August Wilson

It sounds easy enough doesn't it? Rarely is that the case. Nothing is ever easy though is it? There's always something in the way of finding our own inner peace. In my case, the issue is me. I'm not sure I want to know and realize all of the awful things that dwell inside me. The truth is I don't like myself very much. 

I'm never certain. Always doubting myself. Which I guess doesn't sound like an awful thing in and of itself, but when you add it to everything else going on, it leaves me feeling less than. Always thinking of the what if's in life and if only and am I resting? Am I capable of more? Am I just destined to be stuck in this sad state of being not living. If I wanted to I can't because of x, y, and z. It's like I'm full of excuses. I hate it. I hate that about myself. 

 I just feel like I'm trapped in this perpetual cycle of let downs that's only caused by me. I don't know how to fix me. I don't know how to keep it at bay. I cry my tears alone in the dark my face illuminated by the glow of the TV. It's easier to sleep alone on the couch than to risk waking anyone upstairs. It's fine really. The tears don't bother me, not when I'm alone. At least no one sees it. No one has to know that I don't feel like getting out of bed. That most nights I go to sleep praying that I won't wake up the next day. 

No one needs to know these things. Each day is a new day with a new demon to face. As long as I can make it one day at a time, each day will pass slowly. And in good time, I've got to run out of demons. I mean, how many can there be? Eventually I"ll want to wake in the morning and will be able to sleep at night.  

I've been here before, I'm sure I'll be here again, it always passes... if only to say at the least, eventually.