Grudges

"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee."

- William H. Walton

Something I hate to admit about my character, but I find myself quick to hold grudges.  Not necessarily for the smallest reasons, but reasons nonetheless.  I don't think having the capacity to hold a grudge is an attractive quality, which is probably why I hate to admit it. 

I'm not certain as to why somethings I just can't seem to move past and other things that seemingly would be of greater damage get a free pass.  For example; one of my ex-boyfriends, whom at the time I thought was a perfect fit for me even though we had our differences, had cheated on me with someone who I considered a friend.  Now while it was very upsetting, I felt a numerous different things spanning from betrayal to guilt and anything in between, minus happy of course.  But for him, I do not hold a grudge.  After all, he taught me something. 

But there are somethings, that I cannot move past like when I was 10 and my best friend at the time was "stolen" from me by the girl up the street.  I felt like the other girl had changed my friend.  Suddenly, when she came around, I was no longer good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, cool enough, to be friends with.  She slowly drifted further and further away from me.  While it makes sense for me to be angry with my childhood friend, I can't help but still hold a grudge against the girl up the street.  I know it sounds ridiculous and I'm very aware how childish my grudge is, but to this day, I hold a quiet resentment towards the girl who stole my friend from me. 

Then there are the deep grudges, the unforgivable actions in my book, that I cannot let go of.  It's not pretty, it's actually quite bothersome.   Why can I not let go?  After all, it's not like I vocalize these grudges (with the exception of this blog now) or even really let anyone in on them.  They just seethe below the surface.  What good can come of that?