Childhood, Was I Ever Real?

"When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood."

- Sam Ewing

It may be easy enough said for Sam, but what about for those of us who live with the constant reminder?  Those of us who've stayed so close to our childhood stomping grounds?  Clearly it's easy to say, it's your own fault, it's your choice to stay where you are, but then again you don't know the circumstances in my life either.  Believe me when I say it's easier said than done.

I sit here in my home, a mere 7 miles from where I grew up, and well since I went to school in this town, I guess you could say it's all one and the same.  Sometimes it's a fondness I feel, but other times it's like being trapped.  I ran into a classmate of mine, one who's been here the entire time just as I have been, and she was surprised to find out I've been here all along.  We haven't seen each other since graduation.  Not that it was all that long ago, but 5 years is a long time to go without seeing someone in a town of 1200.

I guess you could say, I'm pretty much a homebody.  I don't go out often.  My life seems to revolve around my part time job and my two kids.  It's not that I'm not a sociable person, I like people generally speaking, it's just I've found myself in a place of deep retrospect.  I've been trying to figure out who I am, only to find, I don't think I've ever known.

So I've gone digging in my past, back to my childhood.  And well, I've started to realize the awful truth, some memories I've had go back as far as kindergarten, but mostly those are quick flashes of school, standing in line, the teachers classroom things like that, oh and the one kid who used to eat the paste and steal my crayons.  But I've been trying to find out if there has ever been a time that when I was with my peers that I didn't try to be something I wasn't.  I remember in the third grade, that I was trying so desperately to be friends with one particular girl, that I refused to wear my glasses at school, because the cool girls didn't have glasses.  And that I pretended to like chick flicks, romantic comedies, etc.  when really, I wanted to watch the scary horror flicks with lots of blood, guts and gore. 

So as early as third grade, I remember putting on a front.  Being someone I wasn't.  And I don't think I've ever out grown that.  It's become so easy to "fit the mold" of what is important to those around me, I've forgotten all of the things that make me me. 

Sure I still love horror movies, I like being outdoors, but I feel like if you strip all of the labels from my daily life; mom, daughter, wife, sister, employee, friend and you leave just me, and me alone, I'm not sure who I would be. 

I just wish there was some kind of guide book that I could follow to tell me where it all went wrong.  When, where, and how I found it to be easier to lose myself than to stand alone.  I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable completely in my own skin, but a girl can only hope.

Maybe someday...