Miss You

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.  

- Edna St Vincent Millay

Sometimes I wish that you could be right here. Right next to me. Spending hours into the night up talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. I'm constantly wondering how you're doing. How you're holding up. Wishing there was more I could do. Wishing I could give you that long over due hug and to actually be able to say "I am here." and not have miles between us. 

It doesn't seem fair most of the time. I know how lucky I am to have a friend like you. But why then do you have to be so far away? Why can't this be uncomplicated? Well of course then we wouldn't be as tight as we are. I mean eventually you'll get here. Or me there. But in the mean time it kills me just a little bit to know that I can't just pop over to say "Hello." 

It's the little things I wish for most. Things that are not complicated by miles. Things I'm so curious to see for myself. Like your "swagger" and your ridiculous smiles. To see how your eyes light up when you're talking passionately about your love of music. Or to hear your laugh. Not just over the phone but in person. A good hearty laugh, deep from your gut. I know it's getting a bit mushy and such, but lets face it. You made me this way. Oh friend of mine, you mean the world to me. I know you know. 

In many ways, you are my family. You get me and you got my back. What more could I ask for? Miss you, love you, wishing you the best, until we can get that over due hug. :)

Chain Reaction

"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."

- William Shakespeare

I try to live my life by this. I mean granted, I guess there are all different forms of love, but for me in this instance is to want the best for every soul I encounter. I know it sounds a little Ms. America of me, but really all I want is for everyone to be able to enjoy at least a little slice of inner peace and happiness. Is that so much to ask? Of course it is I suppose on the large scale. After all, there are millions of people in this world and I've only met a tiny percentage of them, but it doesn't stop me from feeling compassion, empathy, hoping for the best, for the greatest outcome. 

I know I cannot change the entire world. I know that I cannot be the cause of something that sweeps over society, that touches every persons heart. But what I know I can do, is to be the best version of myself for those I love and those I encounter. Of course the world is filled with "bad" people. People who are only in it for themselves, murderers and other various criminals, and politicians who do not mean what they say. But that is always going to be a fact we must face. Until each and every person stops living for themselves and starts living for others, we won't have our utopia and let's be clear, the likelihood of that ever happening entirely, is such a miniscule fragment of possibility that I can only do my part. 

In doing my part, if I can make a difference in one persons world where they will pick up on my love and actions and apply them to their own life, then my job is done. Chain reaction is what I'm going for. So if not directly effecting everyone, I've got hopes that by through this invisible chain, maybe just maybe the world can be a better place.  

Perpetual Cycle

"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength."

- August Wilson

It sounds easy enough doesn't it? Rarely is that the case. Nothing is ever easy though is it? There's always something in the way of finding our own inner peace. In my case, the issue is me. I'm not sure I want to know and realize all of the awful things that dwell inside me. The truth is I don't like myself very much. 

I'm never certain. Always doubting myself. Which I guess doesn't sound like an awful thing in and of itself, but when you add it to everything else going on, it leaves me feeling less than. Always thinking of the what if's in life and if only and am I resting? Am I capable of more? Am I just destined to be stuck in this sad state of being not living. If I wanted to I can't because of x, y, and z. It's like I'm full of excuses. I hate it. I hate that about myself. 

 I just feel like I'm trapped in this perpetual cycle of let downs that's only caused by me. I don't know how to fix me. I don't know how to keep it at bay. I cry my tears alone in the dark my face illuminated by the glow of the TV. It's easier to sleep alone on the couch than to risk waking anyone upstairs. It's fine really. The tears don't bother me, not when I'm alone. At least no one sees it. No one has to know that I don't feel like getting out of bed. That most nights I go to sleep praying that I won't wake up the next day. 

No one needs to know these things. Each day is a new day with a new demon to face. As long as I can make it one day at a time, each day will pass slowly. And in good time, I've got to run out of demons. I mean, how many can there be? Eventually I"ll want to wake in the morning and will be able to sleep at night.  

I've been here before, I'm sure I'll be here again, it always passes... if only to say at the least, eventually. 

Fathers Day Blues

Today is never an easy day for me. Father's Day. I miss him so much on days like this. I hate how badly it hurts to think he's not here and of all the things he's missed. So today I'll do what I do best and turn to my favorite coping mechanism; music. I'm going to list the top 5 songs that remind me of my father. 

#1) White Room, Cream

This song will always remind me of my father. Growing up we had started remodeling our home. In particular the living room. At one point all that we had on the walls was the texture matting which was white and black curtains as my father worked nights and slept during the day.  Being my father's daughter, I had picked up his taste in music and was quite familiar with this song. As a joke one day, my dad and I were working on cleaning up some of the excess spray in the living room and I started to sing "In the white room with black curtains..." Of course we both cracked up. And for the next few years it was often a joke we referred back to. When my father was in the last stages of his cancer he was so hopped up on morphine to control the pain that he wasn't really lucid. And every once in a while, he would just start singing this song and smile. 

  

#2) Holes in the Floor of Heaven, Steve Wariner

 This is the song I chose to have my "father/daughter" dance with at my wedding. I felt it was necessary to still pay tribute to my father on my "big day" and this was the best way I knew how.  And while I'm not certain if there is a heaven or hell, it's nice to think that he is watching over me. 

#3) The Greatest Man I Never Knew, Reba McIntire

Any time I hear this song, I immediately think of the relationship I had with my father. It was sometimes down right awful the way we could treat one another, but I guess that's just how the chips fell. I only hope that though we had our fair share of turbulence, the good outshines the bad. 

   

#4) Crimson and Clover, Joan Jett

This song in particular makes me think of my dad because the summer before the cancer took hold and took his life, my dad had some old friends visiting from out of town. One of the days they were there was a "party" of sorts. Nothing crazy, just some cards, quarters, and of course a few beverages. I remember my father going over to the stereo and turning up the volume on this song and starting to sing the ba da da da da's. Still makes me smile. 

#5) Hey Good Lookin, Hank Williams 

Lastly, this one is probably one of my favorite memories. I love to cook, my father knew this, so on days when he was actually home for breakfast or hell even if he had woken up at 2 pm, I'd know if I heard his out of tune, wrong pitch singing of Hey Good Lookin, he was looking from some breakfast. I still know just what I would make, two eggs over easy, four pieces of toast with butter, and as much bacon as we had in the cupboard. If only I could make this for him one more time.   

Sunscreen, I Do Agree

Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) - Baz Luhrmann

Now you may be wondering why I post some of the things I do; truth is: most of the time I don't know the reason behind it either. What I do know, it comes from where the mind has been placed that day. Since today I have no thought process, or no motivational inspirations to share, I figure I would pass along one of the most famous and inspirational songs of all time, at least in my own opinion. It is based off of an essay that was published in the Chicago Tribune June 1st of 1997 by an author of the name Mary Schmich.

Worth It, Always

Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively. 

- Voltaire

Story of my life. Too many things too quickly or sole exclusion of one devastating thought. Up and down and round and round, always on some kind of delirious roller coaster. Sure I have good days and I have bad, everyone does, but when I combine these days with someone else on the same roller coaster it throws off the balancing act upon the tracks. Derailing any and all passengers. 

The one wondrously beautiful thing about this ride though is there is the safety line. Always knowing that no matter how far flung apart we are by these emotional outpourings our hearts and minds bare, we are still tied and true together.  Of many things we are both made. Of many things we hate.  Common ground is love, safety, honesty and true compassionate friendship. It is stronger than anything I've ever witnessed in my life. 

It may be easy for some to throw in the towel and say it's not worth it, but more impressive when you can sit there and say to yourself, I am worth it, I deserve it, hell I'm going to fight to keep it, even when the other party involved doesn't think they are at times. It's your responsibility to be a pillar that supports the structure of your friendship. 

It doesn't work if both are only at 50%. No, both need to be at 100% or it doesn't keep. If you're not willing to put in the effort, work, unconditional love, compassion, passion, forgiveness and apologies when needed and say I'm in it completely, no matter what; it will fall apart. I'm not the easiest person to mix and mingle with, take me at my worst so I can give you my best. Love me for me and not what I pretend to be. At the very least it's what you'll get from me. Always. No matter what. To infinity and beyond.

Apparently

Never before have I let my walls down so much and became so enveloped in another human. I find it hard to hide even the smallest thoughts, and yet somehow along the way, they find me fake. A liar, someone of deception and only in it for kicks. I don't take to kindly to being considered unreal. I pride my self on my honesty, loyalty, and unconditional love. Apparently it's not good enough. Apparently it doesn't shine as brightly as I once thought it did. Apparently, all those things I'm supposed to be have been twisted into some form of monster that causes inevitable pain, torture. It's not my fault they say, but I participated, I helped form, create and morph this grief. How can I not blame myself? How can I not feel like this? Like someone has just torn my beating heart from my chest and put it on display only to be picked apart by vultures? They were right when they said I didn't deserve this. I don't and neither do they. What's next? I have no clue. I'm just going to be waiting, because no matter how I'm feeling in this moment, no matter how many tears I'm going to cry, I can't stop loving them even if I tried.

Think THEN Speak

“Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” 

– Dr. Laurence J. Peter

Sometimes I have knee jerk reactions to little things. Things I often assume attack me directly; when in reality, they may or may not. I have no way of knowing.  Despite my somewhat cold exterior others perceive, I take everything to heart when it involves those I care about. I'm great about not letting it show, but often I've learned in the course of my life that I'm very quick to display anger when really I'm hurt. I think a lot of people do this, though I can only speak for myself. 

In an instant, I feel the pain and bury it deep inside and cover it up with smiles and good humor.  Never wanting to let it show in anyway, but it does. Eventually it comes out in a rage.  I find myself argumentative and wanting to inflict the same torment on those that have caused it in me, but rather than being coy or indirect about it, I tend to just throw fuel on the fire and let it burn bigger and brighter and hotter than it ever needs to be.  

Think before you speak. It's a simple concept, one that most parents try to instill in their children, though it doesn't always work. Emotions take control and kick clarity out the car while going 90 mph on the freeway.  The only thing you have left is the aftermath. The feelings of guilt, shame, wounded pride, and complete devastation wash over you like a shower of acidic rain.  

When I hurt, I want others to hurt. I want them to feel the same pain that has been inflicted on me, and sometimes it's not directed where it should go. I always try to do the right thing, think then speak, but it doesn't always happen. Right now I'm lucky. I've been able to bite my tongue until the bloods pouring like hot lava down the back of my throat. I'm hoping to give it a little time to breathe, to cool and to chip away at the molten mess little by little until the clean up is complete and there's nothing left to resolve. 

 

The Art of Appreciation

"Horse Skull with White Rose" by Georgia O'Keeffe

Every once in a while I take a moment to peruse a few pieces of art. I always always seem to come back to Georgia O'Keeffe's work though. Perhaps it's because a long time ago while I was just in Jr. High I wrote a report  about her.  She's actually quite fascinating, though admittedly my taste in art has since changed from those early days, but I still pay homage you could say to the woman who inspired me to start digging in the first place. 

Even if you don't like art or find any interest in it, the world is filled with unknown artists who with any luck will maybe make a mere $50 off of their work over the course of their lifetime. Many of which are completely at peace with this as they don't pour over their art for the money it's for the peace of mind, the love, the passion of which drives them to create.  I envy these artists. The ones who create out of passion. 

I wish I had that passion in life. For something, anything really, I'm always craving something of the creative space, but I try and I fail, or in my own eyes at least. I cannot commit I suppose. So I'm thankful to, at the very least, rest in a place of appreciation for those who can create.  Go do some digging and find something that moves you. Maybe you love O'Keeffe, or Van Gogh, but why not look into the lesser knowns such as Lewis Carroll or that kid you saw doodling on his notebook every day in class. Look, learn, investigate, feel, devour, and appreciate art.  

The Things We Do For Love

“Whatever they grow up to be, they are still our children, and the one most important of all the things we can give to them is unconditional love. Not a love that depends on anything at all except that they are our children.”

- Rosaleen Dickson

You ever find yourself so aggravated with your kids that you just want to run away and hide? It happens to me all the time. In fact right now, it's 11 PM and my daughter is still not sleeping. Grant it today was a big, exciting day! Our annual zoo trip. But what that means for mom, is that she was up until 1:30 am the night before and back up by 6 and has been a constant go go go since then. All I want is for her to relax and finally fall asleep.

It gets me to thinking, why do I get that stressed? Why can't I just relax? Calm down, take a moment to breath? I let it go so long that I keep my cool, and then for awhile I just so easily flip my lid to the point that I just can't even come up with my own new phrases. I'm just sticking with the same ol same ol humdrum run of the mill phrases. 

Crikey I'm not even making much more sense. We'll leave it at that rather than filling in my own words of wisdom on parenting and love and patience and all that hunky dory bullspit that doesn't even come to mind. This tired chica is hitting the sack. Perhaps I'll touch on this again, when I'm not so tired.

My Life, My Music

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."

- Victor Hugo 

There's something about the way a lyric reaches right into my soul and claims it's space. I've always been fond of music. It's my one constant. Perhaps I've already referred to it as my religion before? I cannot remember. It's been far and few I've been logging into the site to update my blog. My apologies. I cannot help but feel it's a life saving force in my own livelihood. 

There's really no reason for this random post about music really, it's just what I was feeling. It's something everyone can relate to on some level. Even if it's not as significant in your life as it is mine, everyone tunes into some, a beat, a lyric, hell even just a note in a song can grab your attention. 

My one suggestion in the course of your life is to be open to all forms of music. Not everything is going to move you so to speak, but there is so much beauty to explore in the music world. And really, it makes you feel a little bit of someone else. The writer of the song. Now grant it, not all songwriters pour themselves into the lyrics they write but I have a feeling the only way a song is really going to speak to an audience is if it's something they can relate to. Something that lets them know they are not the only ones feeling that way and that has got to stem from somewhere. 

Music is one of those little gifts in life. Treasure it.