Lies

"How desperately difficult it is to be honest with oneself.  It is much easier to be honest with other people."

- Edward Frederic Benson

Over and over again, I find myself enveloped in this warped world of lies I tell myself.  It's easier to believe all of the somedays, when the money comes, when the time is right, when there's more time, more room, more experience, things will fall into place. 

Truth is, I'm not sure they ever will.  Promises are quick to be made, but even faster shattered.  Stuck in a rut.  Truth is, major change is terrifying, not exhilarating, not an adventure.  I'm prudent.  I'm simple.  I'm cautious.  I make excuses.  I'm scared. 

I feel as if I've been constantly deceiving myself into believing that I am worth so much more that I actually am.  My mind, my heart, my being as a whole.  I'm a monotonous drone on society.  There's no impact.  Sure take in consideration my immediate surroundings, I may leave a scratch on the surface of things, but remove me from the equation, and nothing much changes.  The world still goes on. 

Fact is, I'm useless.