Expectations

"I don't have high expectations anymore.  Maybe they've just been beaten out of me."

- Lisa Shue

What happens when the world of expectations you've held in mind and heart for so long, come crashing down with the deep and brutal realization that everything you've ever expected of yourself, will never be?  It's a damn awful feeling.  To feel as if you don't live up to your own expectations of yourself. 

Sure it's one thing to fall short of someone else's expectations, but how do you fall short on your own?  How does life have a way of running in the opposite direction screaming "get me out of here!"  What happens when you yourself, cannot come to terms with who you are?  I've been sitting here as if some miracle is supposed to happen.  Like someday, I will help those that cannot help themselves, when I can't even help myself. 

I just don't understand how I could have let myself get here.  Of all the things out of life I've wanted most, this one thing, the thing I crave, the thing I need most, seems so far away.  Almost as if, I've missed my chance.  I'm not talking about becoming the next Mother Teresa or anything like that, I just want when I die to know that for the short time I spent here, I made a difference.  I made the world just a little better. 

I almost want to run screaming, "It's not fair!!!" Some people who are fortunate enough to be able to spend that kind of money, who receive scholarships they don't need, who spend their college years partying, I just want to shake them.  Make them realize how truly lucky they are.  I would kill to be busting a sweat over an exam.  Unfortunately, I'm not one of those lucky people. 

And now, with two kids, and their education to worry about, along with paying to keep a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, every single extra cent I come by, goes straight in the bank for their education.  I guess, I don't ever want them to feel like they missed their chance.  I don't want them to feel like they don't live up to their own expectations, I don't ever want them to feel like me.