Recently, I've come into another cycle of self disgust when it comes to my body. Now, overall, I can rationalize that, I am a resonably attractive young woman. Just a couple weeks ago, I got hit on in the while checking out at a store, and while it's great to get the spuratic confidence boosters of a stranger making a pass, sadly it is short lived.
I've never really been one who's be completely self confident, though I admittedly I do have my moments. *Insert chuckle here, laughing at the rarity.* In fact, even when I'm most confident, I still know what's under the clothing, and that is what makes the those tiny moments of confidence a little bittersweet.
About eight years ago, I packed on just over 50 lbs. of unwanted weight. Over the course of the following year I did manage to lose 30 lbs of it and have since maintained my weight since my high school graduation. Roughly, between 145 - 150 lbs on any given month. Since then I've gotten married, had two kids, and have managed to keep my weight right around that 150 mark.
While some might say, that's great that after two kids, etc. you still weigh what you did in high school, but I still am always struggling to get those last 20 lbs to go away. Now I know what you're thinking, 150 isn't too bad, and you're right it's not, BUT that's precisely the problem. The only times I've ever been able to ditch the excess weight has been either out of an eating disorder or out of necessity in my mind.
I know pregnancies and such have a way of changing a woman's body, and for me it's been devastating. I feel like I've got a deflated balloon hanging around my stomach. With all good intentions of trying to prevent streach marks I would cocoa butter up my stomach and hips damn near five times a day, and I still have some of the deepest and most defined marks I've ever seen. With all of the streaching my stomach did to make room for my two wonderful babies, it's left me with some excess skin and not so much elastin left. Now I know, there are some mothers who look at their streach marks and think of them as "battle scars" for the births of their children. And while I absolutely love my kids, I hate what the pregnancies did to my stomach. Grant it, I've never been particularly fond of my stomach in the first place, but, if prior to having my children I had to choose between a completely nude photograph showing everything with only my stomach covered up or just a picture of my stomach shown, I would have quickly gone with the stomach shot. Now sadly, without out a skip of a beat I would choose option 1. It really just disgusts me.
I can't tell you the last time I was able to stand completely nude in front of a mirror without grimmacing. In fact, I don't remember the last time I actually took a good hard look at my stomach at all.
Here in lies the problem. I hate how my stomach makes me feel about myself. I hate the extra weight I've been carrying for 7 years now. I can justify all the reasons I why I want to lose the weight, to tone up, etc. I watch shows that motivate me for a day or two like Heavy, The Biggest Loser, I Used To Be Fat, etc. Before you think it, I know watching television isn't going to get any of the weight off, but the only time I allow myself to watch these shows is if I'm on the treadmill, or doing some form of exercise.
While I find these shows to be of great motivation sometimes IE; if they can do it, so can I, but I also find that they can just as easily alter my mentality a bit. They give me reason to say in my mind; see you don't have it so bad. You're weight is not life threatening, etc. So sometimes, it's just easier to say to myself, you can just maintain. You've been doing it so long, maybe this is the right weight for you. Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be. But if this is where I'm supposed to be, why do I cover up all my full length mirrors? Why can I not be comfortable in my own skin?
Is the confidence I'm looking for even connected to my body issues? Maybe it's all part of a grander scheme. I'm just stuck. It drives me crazy. I want to, but I don't need to.. I should, but the laundry needs to get put away.. I have to, but I don't want to right now..
I just need to figure out a way to remove the "but" so I can lose the gutt.
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