Conquering The First Step

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.  
- Albert Einstein

I wholeheartedly agree with this and after last night, I know it's completely 100% true.  One of my goals that I've had as long as I could remember was to go to college and get a degree.  For a long time I thought that it was possible, hell up until I was denied financial aide I thought it was possible. Even then, I never let go of the hope that some day I would be back sitting in a class room, stressing out over an exam. 

In the beginning my desire to go on to school was fueled by a few different factors.  The first being, it's what every high school graduate does, the second, I wanted to be the first in my immediate family to graduate with a degree under my belt, and lastly, it was my ticket out of this small town.  Unfortunately, my home life's circumstances got the better of me.  My father passed away over Christmas break my sophomore year.  While it did get me down in the dumps, it also made me take a new outlook on life, one that greatly and sadly, but joyously all at once left my priorities all out of whack. 

I filled my schedule with everything from pom and cheer to the musicals and stage crew fully enveloping myself and focus into those things that would force me to concentrate on everything other than what was going on at home.  For that I was utterly grateful, I didn't want to cope with my dad's loss and in fact, it made life easier.  I wasn't always on the verge of a breakdown when I had to perform.  I had to be a character, I wasn't me, I was the cheerleader, the part in the play, etc.  I really did have some great times in my roles and I'm so very thankful for that. My justification was, life is too short not to enjoy yourself.

But in the time that I was busy "enjoying" myself, I was going home at night completely exhausted, physically and mentally.  Do you know how hard it is to smile when you're coming off of an all night cry fest that no one knows about? It was in those times when I was lying in bed at night trying to get my mind to shut off that I would become overwhelmed with the reality that my father was dead.  It suffocated me. I slept few hours a night, if any.  In turn living my life to the fullest, left me to ignore my education.  I started to let my grades slip.  Nothing terrible, but looking back, I know I certainly didn't give it my all in trying or for that matter my full attention in class.  This continued for the remainder of my high school year, the packed schedule and going home letting my life overwhelm me. 

Come the middle of senior year when everyone was busy studying for the ACTs, filling out FASFA forms and college applications, I was still wrapped up in my own head and to this day, I would average it that I'm still wrapped up 85% of the time.  I guess you could say, I've just become accustom to blocking me out when necessary and going on with the show, so to speak.  Anyway, it came time to get at least a little serious about my education, after all, it was something I still wanted. So I applied to a few schools, filled out my FASFA and did everything I was supposed to do. 

I was lucky enough to receive a scholarship to a school in Texas I applied to on a whim, just because I liked the name and the mascot.  It was a full ride for the entire year as long as I maintained a GPA of 3.00 or higher.  I knew I could do it as far as the GPA went, but what I couldn't do, was leave my mom after just losing my dad.  She was a wreck.  Though I know she would kill me to say this to just about anyone she knows, but I heard her sobs late at night, I knew when the scar near her eye would turn red, that she'd been crying.  She always tried to keep up the strong front, but with me it didn't work.  When she realized I had caught on, though I knew all along, I became her support.  So, instead of taking the scholarship and going to Texas for school, I graciously declined, giving the college the excuse "I've decided on another school."  For the longest time, I kept that a secret from my mother.  In fact it was only in the last two years I've mentioned Texas. Just as I suspected, she blamed her self, only now, there was nothing she could do.  The past is the past and you can't change that. 

After turning down the scholarship, I was relying heavily on FASFA to help me out so I could afford at least my first semester.  I don't come from a family of means, and well now that my dad was gone, and it was just my mom handling everything, there was no way she would have been able to help me out. So I waited and waited and I finally received my FASFA information back.  DECLINED. When I called to enquire about why I was declined they said that they had found two CDs that my father had left me.  Totalling $8,000.00.  What they failed to realize is that even given the CDs I couldn't touch them until I was 21, unless it was for purpose of a wedding or a home purchase based upon my fathers set up.  I'm not sure why he didn't put college as an acceptable means, but I think it was my dad's way of saying, I to help you have everything I had to work for. Maybe it slipped his mind, who knows. But there it was DECLINED.

My heart sank. I told myself, I would go back to school eventually.  After all, colleges are not going anywhere.  Shortly after my graduation, my life became a whirl wind. I got married at 19, bought a house, pregnant shortly there after with my son, a just shy of a year after he was born pregnant with my daughter, next thing I know I'm 22 married, two kids, working part time, and running the household.  On top of your standard kid expenses, the mortgage, etc I also married my husbands credit card debt. Sometimes, even still though we're down from 5 cards to just 2, we're paycheck to paycheck. 

There's nothing worse than wanting something so badly, to see where you went wrong in the past, and to feel like now it's just a game of chance.  When will I get my chance?

Well, from time to time you just have to torture yourself a bit.  And that's exactly what I've been doing these last few days.  I've been scanning schools, doing practice placement tests (how dumb that made me feel! it's only been 5 years) and trying to relearn some of the most basic algebra.  So much so that I've gone to the point of setting up a college visit for the local community college and an appointment to meet with an advisor.  Now, I'm not sure if I can afford it yet or not, but you know what, if I don't know the price I might have to pay I'm never going to know.  So here's to conquering the first step.  Even if it means I have to turn right back around and step down, at least this way I know.