"Be well, do good work, and keep in touch."
- Garrison Keillor
I'm quick to make friendly acquaintances, even quicker to make enemies, but what seems to take forever is to make a true friend. I don't trust easily. I don't connect to many. I don't allow myself to step into relationships where my emotions are put at risk. Over the last few months, I have opened myself up, though not entirely, but enough to put myself out there.
I saw someone in need of a friendly ear. Someone who was grieving the loss of her child. Someone who yet still managed to put on a brave face and smile every once in awhile. All I've ever wanted to do in this lifetime is to help someone in their time of need. After losing my father and feeling as if I had no one I could talk to, I vowed to myself to be open to those who are grieving. Even if it only meant saying "I'm here if you need me."
We weren't ever really close before, but for still I offered myself in her time of need. I don't have much to offer really. A couple ears, some shoulders, an occasional hug, but more so, just my word. If I say I'm here, I mean it. It doesn't matter to me time of day or night, I am here.
It took a while before she really even approached me. In the meantime, I would send little reminders, not pressing but simply "thinking of you today, hope you're alright." and things along those lines. I remember the first time we had ever spent any time together. A simple trip to Walmart. It was a little awkward I'll admit. Not knowing much about each other. But I tried to keep the small talk going. It must have paid off though, because before long, we started spending more and more time together.
As I mentioned, I don't make friends easily. So actually having someone close to do the mundane things with was great. Going on a walk, or even just a trip to Walmart, it was a nice break from all things I've come to know all too well. Isolation in my very own home. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my kids, but I need MY friends too if only for my own sanity. My mom and I too are close, though we don't spend a whole lot of time together as she's got her own busy schedule. My closest friend from high school has since moved to Chicago and I'm lucky to see her once every couple few months. Another close friend moved to Minneapolis and now we rarely ever speak. My best friend lives in Florida and while we talk on a regular basis, I'm not able to shed tears on real shoulders if needed.
So having her around, well it was something I wasn't used to. It was wonderful to finally feel like someone was close. Not only in my heart or mind, but actually close. I'm a bit in awe of how quickly the friendship blossomed and how quickly I let her into my heart. Normally I'm much more cautious. I've learned to keep the walls pretty high, but I let them down just enough. Just enough for her to get in and now she says it's soon time for goodbyes.
She's moving. I know it sounds ridiculous to get all sad and teary eyed. I know this is a good thing for her, and truly I am happy for HER, but it doesn't stop me from being sad for ME. I feel like I've got the plague when it comes to friends being close. They always seem to go away. I guess it's life and life goes on, but why then do I always feel like I'm being left behind? It's so stupid. I feel so stupid for feeling this way. I'm rational enough to know that it doesn't matter the number of miles between friends, but I also cannot help thinking, what's wrong with me? Why does everyone leave?
For now though, I'm going to try to quit analyzing it and trying to figure out why I have this complex and maybe allow myself to be sad for just a little while. To pout I guess really.
