Inner Ramblings Expressed

"The last stroke of midnight dies. All day in the one chair, from dream to dream and rhyme to rhyme I have ranged in rambling talk with an image of air. Vague memories, nothing but memories."

- William Butler Yeats

A collection or ramblings running through my mind tonight. I try not to dwell on one subject too long as they always seem to turn into a negative black pit that I struggle to climb my way out of. Rather than listen to the thoughts as they fly so effortlessly through, I numb myself. I find any source of distraction I can tolerate. Everything seems to take so much energy. I feel drained. 

Little by little its all tumbling down. Spontaneous breaks in the monotonous hum drums of just getting through. Smiles and laughs brought upon by the two little beams of sunshine that keep me going. I'm not hurt, or angry, or sad even. I just feel drained. Like it's all too much work. Even the things I am usually able to find so much joy in are losing their luster. 

I can be smiling one minute filled with motivation and in the next it's like the universe comes to a screeching halt and I get stuck. I feel like I'm filled with sludge. My arms and legs heavy, my muscles too weak to even carry their own weight. Physically, I am capable. Mentally, I'm defeated. 

I do this to myself. Every now and again. Sometimes I feel like I have to. To wear myself so thin, so close to the breaking point just to remind myself I cannot do it all. I cannot be it all. I cannot. Yet, I have trouble saying no and the worst part in that, is not that I can't say no to others, but when I can't say no to myself. You can stay up just one more hour longer to get the dishes done. It's time to make up for wasted days. Days like today. Moments like this very one. 

I thought maybe just maybe if I wrote it down tonight I'll be able to shut off my mind and get some much needed sleep. Wake up to a whole new day, with a new found source of energy and a goal in mind. The problem is, I'm negative. Pray for the best, but prepare for the worst. I think it comes back to bite me in the ass more often than it helps save me from the disappointment. 

I wonder if all this negativity that I let dwell inside my soul is weighing me down; and yet, I don't know how to let go of it. The slightly ironic thing about all of this is, I tend to be a hypocrite. I preach positivity and good karma and all that fluffy bullshit that gets thrown out there and here I am. Praying for the best, but preparing for the worst. Do they cancel each other out? Is that why I feel I'm stuck in a perpetual cycle of nothingness. 

Where am I going in life? What do I want out of life? Why can't I figure it out? Will I ever figure it out? Or should I just stop planning? Should I just go with the flow of things? I can't. I need some sort of focus. I feel like I'm lacking it. I'm lacking in all areas that I know I could excel in. School, job, the daily grind. I could be so much better than I am. It's not about being better than the next or keeping up with the Jones' or even chasing the "American Dream." Fuck the American Dream. I just want to improve myself. I want to be a better version of who I am. The person I thought I was capable of being. When and why did I stop believing? Did I ever really believe? Or was I being naive? 

They say good things come to those who wait; well how long does it take? I mean how long should I keep waiting? Long enough to settle into becoming a simple shell of all the things I once thought I could be? Where is my fight? Have I given up on myself? Should I? I'm starting to think that of all the things I once daydreamed about are just now memories and there is no way to get that passion back. 

But this rambling has gone on long enough and while my mind is overflowing, it's time I put the flood gates up and call it a night. The morning alarm is going to be hell on me. I feel it in my bones. Truth be told, I don't have a reason to set the alarm. I'm not working in the morning, but maybe that's what I need to do. Force myself to face the day. Find a way out of this funk no matter what it takes. Even if it means setting the alarm for 6:30 am, grabbing a cold shower and planning some kind of routine for the day. If I can do this, if I can pull myself from my bed rather than letting all this sludge and muck keep me soporific and apathetic, maybe I'll get lucky and find a way back to a bit of normalcy and balance. 

 

To Find Meaning In My Life

"Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else's skin.  It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too."

- Frederick Buechner

If I could take on the burdens and pain of those I love, I would without hesitation.  I've always found myself to be a very compassionate, empathetic person; sometimes to a fault.  But as the years have gone by, I have slowly allowed it to envelope me.  It makes me feel as if I am a better person, that maybe, even if only on a small scale I can make a difference in the world.  That's all I really want out of this life; is to make a difference, to touch someones heart, to give them what unrequited desires I had, the love and acceptance that I have longed for for as long as I can remember. 

I'm not saying I want to be the next Mother Theresa or Gandhi.  But just to make someones life a little easier.  A couple days ago, I was told I was a great friend.  Now this isn't the first time I've heard that, but there was something about this last time where I actually believed it 100% in my heart.  It wasn't until I was searching for a response that the words "It's what I'm here for." came into my mind.  When I said those words, it took me by surprise.  It was like the first time you see fireworks as a kid.  I was in awe and wonderment as to why it's taken me so long to finally see what I've known so much about for so long.

It was definitely more of an awakening in my soul that took place with those few words.  I understand now why it is important to me to be a good friend, to be the best friend one can turn to.  I never had that until this last year.  I know I'm a little all over the place and my emotions have their way of running the show no matter how hard I fight them sometimes, but this is the first time in so long that I've actually felt I make a difference even if it's only minuscule.  I'm happy with that.