"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."
- Kahlil Gibran
I couldn't agree more with this quote. Have you ever noticed a gorgeous man or a beautiful woman and thought to yourself, "Wow, he/she must be happy, have it all, etc." I know I have in the past, not so much anymore, but I guess you could say, I've grown up a bit and all of the fairy tale happy endings bullshit has come and gone. Perhaps, I'm more of a pessimist? I don't think I am, maybe just more of a rationalist or realistic?
I know I've spent many years striving to be that "perfect" girl. For years on end, I did this crazy combination of anorexia, bulimia, and way too much exercise. I literally would go days without eating and then when I did, I ate only enough to satisfy me in that very moment and would make my way to the nearest restroom to get rid of the "excess." If I woke up in the middle of the night with my stomach gnawing at me, I would force myself to repeat sets of a hundred crunches until I was again so exhausted I could sleep.
I suppose when you're 12 and your father asks you "Is the hallway shrinking or is your ass just getting that much bigger?" It sticks with you. Now, I don't blame my father, his sense of humor was very different. Still no excuses, things like that made an impact, coupling it with not being "good enough" and the fact I was an early bloomer didn't help matters much I'm sure.
I still to this day cannot go into a restroom shortly after a meal without an overwhelming sense of involuntary vomit. I guess when you train yourself that's how its done for so long, you're body views it as the "right thing" for lack of better words. I struggle everyday with trying to come to terms with my own body image, some days are better than others, and some days tear me apart, near breaking point I guess you could say.
So lately I've been feeling the desire to drop a few pounds, tone up and slim down. If you want to get technical, according to a BMI calculator, as a 24 year old who is 5'2" and 145 pounds, I am "overweight." I don't care so much what the scale says, but I've not been feeling good about myself. It's not so much about wanting to wear a bikini once again, that will probably never happen. My stomach has been drastically changed since having my two kids. Not sure that I'll ever be so confident to get into a bikini again. All I really want, is to feel good in my everyday clothes. Knowing they fit right, no muffin tops, not suctioned to my thighs, and well I don't want my arms to jiggle when I wave.
I know it's not what is on the outside that matters, but what if I feel like the outside doesn't match who I am on the inside? And with my past habits, I'm worried I'll slip back into the same habits and routines. It's how many of these attempts in the past have failed, I saw the warning signs and I ran for cover, getting no where close to what my goals are. I know it's a lifestyle change, but I'm just trying to find a lifestyle that works with the one I have and actually staying to the changes. I'm not one of the lucky one's who's metabolism does all the work. I know it's going to be difficult. I know it's not going to be fun. Now I just need to figure out how to get started.
