"Dark shadows dancing on the ceiling, softly swaying in the flickering candles glow. What once was there, we’ll never know. Watching shadows in their rhythmic ways until they disband into a pool of obscurity, my mind counts the ways that things will never be the same. Long forgotten days, buried beneath piles of counterfeit smiles, and forced hellos; I’m a crook in many ways. Bringing cheapened moments of happiness to those who surround me, only to know inside, everything is a lie. Day to day and night after night, silent unseen tears are shed. My burden to bare, the weight of my mind, life will surely kill me in due time."
Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.
- Edna St Vincent Millay
Sometimes I wish that you could be right here. Right next to me. Spending hours into the night up talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. I'm constantly wondering how you're doing. How you're holding up. Wishing there was more I could do. Wishing I could give you that long over due hug and to actually be able to say "I am here." and not have miles between us.
It doesn't seem fair most of the time. I know how lucky I am to have a friend like you. But why then do you have to be so far away? Why can't this be uncomplicated? Well of course then we wouldn't be as tight as we are. I mean eventually you'll get here. Or me there. But in the mean time it kills me just a little bit to know that I can't just pop over to say "Hello."
It's the little things I wish for most. Things that are not complicated by miles. Things I'm so curious to see for myself. Like your "swagger" and your ridiculous smiles. To see how your eyes light up when you're talking passionately about your love of music. Or to hear your laugh. Not just over the phone but in person. A good hearty laugh, deep from your gut. I know it's getting a bit mushy and such, but lets face it. You made me this way. Oh friend of mine, you mean the world to me. I know you know.
In many ways, you are my family. You get me and you got my back. What more could I ask for? Miss you, love you, wishing you the best, until we can get that over due hug. :)
I try to live my life by this. I mean granted, I guess there are all different forms of love, but for me in this instance is to want the best for every soul I encounter. I know it sounds a little Ms. America of me, but really all I want is for everyone to be able to enjoy at least a little slice of inner peace and happiness. Is that so much to ask? Of course it is I suppose on the large scale. After all, there are millions of people in this world and I've only met a tiny percentage of them, but it doesn't stop me from feeling compassion, empathy, hoping for the best, for the greatest outcome.
I know I cannot change the entire world. I know that I cannot be the cause of something that sweeps over society, that touches every persons heart. But what I know I can do, is to be the best version of myself for those I love and those I encounter. Of course the world is filled with "bad" people. People who are only in it for themselves, murderers and other various criminals, and politicians who do not mean what they say. But that is always going to be a fact we must face. Until each and every person stops living for themselves and starts living for others, we won't have our utopia and let's be clear, the likelihood of that ever happening entirely, is such a miniscule fragment of possibility that I can only do my part.
In doing my part, if I can make a difference in one persons world where they will pick up on my love and actions and apply them to their own life, then my job is done. Chain reaction is what I'm going for. So if not directly effecting everyone, I've got hopes that by through this invisible chain, maybe just maybe the world can be a better place.
"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength."
- August Wilson
It sounds easy enough doesn't it? Rarely is that the case. Nothing is ever easy though is it? There's always something in the way of finding our own inner peace. In my case, the issue is me. I'm not sure I want to know and realize all of the awful things that dwell inside me. The truth is I don't like myself very much.
I'm never certain. Always doubting myself. Which I guess doesn't sound like an awful thing in and of itself, but when you add it to everything else going on, it leaves me feeling less than. Always thinking of the what if's in life and if only and am I resting? Am I capable of more? Am I just destined to be stuck in this sad state of being not living. If I wanted to I can't because of x, y, and z. It's like I'm full of excuses. I hate it. I hate that about myself.
I just feel like I'm trapped in this perpetual cycle of let downs that's only caused by me. I don't know how to fix me. I don't know how to keep it at bay. I cry my tears alone in the dark my face illuminated by the glow of the TV. It's easier to sleep alone on the couch than to risk waking anyone upstairs. It's fine really. The tears don't bother me, not when I'm alone. At least no one sees it. No one has to know that I don't feel like getting out of bed. That most nights I go to sleep praying that I won't wake up the next day.
No one needs to know these things. Each day is a new day with a new demon to face. As long as I can make it one day at a time, each day will pass slowly. And in good time, I've got to run out of demons. I mean, how many can there be? Eventually I"ll want to wake in the morning and will be able to sleep at night.
I've been here before, I'm sure I'll be here again, it always passes... if only to say at the least, eventually.
Today is never an easy day for me. Father's Day. I miss him so much on days like this. I hate how badly it hurts to think he's not here and of all the things he's missed. So today I'll do what I do best and turn to my favorite coping mechanism; music. I'm going to list the top 5 songs that remind me of my father.
#1) White Room, Cream
This song will always remind me of my father. Growing up we had started remodeling our home. In particular the living room. At one point all that we had on the walls was the texture matting which was white and black curtains as my father worked nights and slept during the day. Being my father's daughter, I had picked up his taste in music and was quite familiar with this song. As a joke one day, my dad and I were working on cleaning up some of the excess spray in the living room and I started to sing "In the white room with black curtains..." Of course we both cracked up. And for the next few years it was often a joke we referred back to. When my father was in the last stages of his cancer he was so hopped up on morphine to control the pain that he wasn't really lucid. And every once in a while, he would just start singing this song and smile.
#2) Holes in the Floor of Heaven, Steve Wariner
This is the song I chose to have my "father/daughter" dance with at my wedding. I felt it was necessary to still pay tribute to my father on my "big day" and this was the best way I knew how. And while I'm not certain if there is a heaven or hell, it's nice to think that he is watching over me.
#3) The Greatest Man I Never Knew, Reba McIntire
Any time I hear this song, I immediately think of the relationship I had with my father. It was sometimes down right awful the way we could treat one another, but I guess that's just how the chips fell. I only hope that though we had our fair share of turbulence, the good outshines the bad.
#4) Crimson and Clover, Joan Jett
This song in particular makes me think of my dad because the summer before the cancer took hold and took his life, my dad had some old friends visiting from out of town. One of the days they were there was a "party" of sorts. Nothing crazy, just some cards, quarters, and of course a few beverages. I remember my father going over to the stereo and turning up the volume on this song and starting to sing the ba da da da da's. Still makes me smile.
#5) Hey Good Lookin, Hank Williams
Lastly, this one is probably one of my favorite memories. I love to cook, my father knew this, so on days when he was actually home for breakfast or hell even if he had woken up at 2 pm, I'd know if I heard his out of tune, wrong pitch singing of Hey Good Lookin, he was looking from some breakfast. I still know just what I would make, two eggs over easy, four pieces of toast with butter, and as much bacon as we had in the cupboard. If only I could make this for him one more time.
Now you may be wondering why I post some of the things I do; truth is: most of the time I don't know the reason behind it either. What I do know, it comes from where the mind has been placed that day. Since today I have no thought process, or no motivational inspirations to share, I figure I would pass along one of the most famous and inspirational songs of all time, at least in my own opinion. It is based off of an essay that was published in the Chicago Tribune June 1st of 1997 by an author of the name Mary Schmich.
