Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Just Some Thoughts

“In silence, there is calm. There is a certain stillness that washes over me. It holds true in times of utter chaos, where simply shutting out my world for a minute brings me peace of mind. I know that in those moments of holding myself together, with tears on the brim, I am successful. I have overcome the fear of failure. I have sacrificed myself for those I love. I have saved them from myself." 
- Babers

Often times I find myself reevaluating everything about myself. From who I am, where I've come from, in the ways I have changed, and the ways I've remained the same, they all piece together parts of me, but only when I have a moment of time to get lost in my mind and really analyze me, do I come to a better understanding.

It's not often in everyday life where you can truly take the time to "find yourself." Only leaving you with small fragments of what you're able to figure out. One thing I've always known myself to be, is my own worst enemy. I think it's only in human nature to be the hardest on yourself, well unless you're a sociopath I suppose, but even then, that's more about not having a conscience and how your actions effect others, not necessarily on your own self reflection.

I cannot yet say why I am the way I am, and I'm not sure that I ever will. What I do know, is that each and every day I struggle to keep my personal demons at bay. I want only what's best for those I love and to expose them to my personal issues would only destroy what good I have created for them. In time, I'm sure I'll find comfort in my own skin, in my own mind, in my life and no longer will I have to fake it to make it.


Friday, April 22, 2011

My Ponderment and Passion

“Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted; unbidden it will stir, open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us, guides us; passion rules us all and we obey.” 
- Joss Whedon


When someone asks me what I'm passionate about, I give them an easy clear and simple answer; "My children." Which don't get me wrong, my every breath on this earth is for them. Anything and everything I do, is for them. They are my passion. Usually this answer suffices most people and they go about their way and it's end of conversation.

And then there is that one person, you know, the one that wants a non generic answer, wants to get a little deeper inside of you and find out what makes you tick. Annoying aren't they? :) Well I suppose it depends on who it is. But today a friend and I were briefly discussing passions in our lives and I fear that one passion is becoming null and dry. Writing, oddly enough, is what I'm referencing.  As you can tell, I haven't been posting near as often to my blog as in the beginning and the whole reason behind starting the blog was really to bring back some of that passion.

I suppose it worked for a little while anyway, but it got me thinking. Imagine that! What am I passionate about besides my kids of course. I started going over the course of my past passions and have easily deduced, that none of them are still present to this day. Rock collecting, drawing, dancing, writing short stories and poems, scrap booking, cooking, baking, photography and my newest thing is cake decorating.  I realize that this "passions" in the moment are nothing more than whims really. I get a thought in my head and want to do it and I dabble in it for a little while, but it begins to fade.

While pondering this it made me wonder; is my problem that I have too many passions? Is it that I want to do so many things, that I have no time to focus on one thing? To really let it take hold and do something good with it? Oh and I realize I left out wood burning.. yes, I did that, for about 1/2 a project. I think part of the problem aside from too many passions to focus, is my perfectionism, and the funny thing that comes with it, is that I know I'm not perfect, in fact, I am pretty much a self doubter to the core, will be the first to tell you, I can't do anything right. Far and few does something come along that I am proud of, especially of my own making. That's definitely a rarity.

So here's my ponderment, if you have a passion, what is it and how do you know that it is your passion? I don't think all of my "passions" are really that. Just more random interests that I eventually give up on. Which in itself is a whole new topic. My personal definition of a passion, is something that drives you, every day of every year, for your entire life.  And maybe my definition is unrealistic, but if it is, why do I seem to be surrounded that have found their passion?

I know, that not every day you're going to be happy with your passion and some days it can down right tick you off, but it's ONLY because it IS your passion and it's not going right. You care that much about it, but it still drives you. 

Friday, April 8, 2011

Ever Been Dumbfounded?

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” 

- Robert McCloskey

 

 

Sometimes, I think to myself, why do I not listen to my instincts? Why is it that I just can't keep my mouth shut? I think I may have hurt some feelings today. I hate that. I never want to be the cause. But here's what I don't understand, it was simply a dream I had. I cannot explain where it came from or why I had it, or why it was what it was. It just was. 

 

It seemed pretty clear that it made my friend uncomfortable.  Why do I get myself into these messes? Why can I not keep my mouth shut. Why would I feel it necessary to tell them exactly what I've been dreaming? Or for that matter, anything that comes into mind.  I don't know.  I guess my honesty is coming back to bite me in the ass once again.  Perhaps there are things that should go unsaid.  I just didn't think it was a big deal.  After all, I've shared damn near every dream I've had, well at least those I can remember. 

 

This time it's different though.  It's like because it wasn't a "good" dream I shouldn't talk about it.  I don't know.  I'm just really confused, dumbfounded.  I feel like had I not said a thing, everything would be fine. But I've always said and prided myself on the truth. And well, we were planing on talking about the dreams anyway given our prior conversation.  I hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I feel like I did something awful, yet like I did nothing wrong at all