I Want To, But..

"If you look closely at a tree you'll notice it's knots and dead branches, just like our bodies. What we learn is that beauty and imperfection go together wonderfully."
- Matthew Fox

Recently, I've come into another cycle of self disgust when it comes to my body.  Now, overall, I can rationalize that, I am a resonably attractive young woman.  Just a couple weeks ago, I got hit on in the while checking out at a store, and while it's great to get the spuratic confidence boosters of a stranger making a pass, sadly it is short lived. 

I've never really been one who's be completely self confident, though I admittedly I do have my moments. *Insert chuckle here, laughing at the rarity.* In fact, even when I'm most confident, I still know what's under the clothing, and that is what makes the those tiny moments of confidence a little bittersweet. 

About eight years ago, I packed on just over 50 lbs. of unwanted weight.  Over the course of the following year I did manage to lose 30 lbs of it and have since maintained my weight since my high school graduation. Roughly, between 145 - 150 lbs on any given month.  Since then I've gotten married, had two kids, and have managed to keep my weight right around that 150 mark. 

While some might say, that's great that after two kids, etc. you still weigh what you did in high school, but I still am always struggling to get those last 20 lbs to go away.  Now I know what you're thinking, 150 isn't too bad, and you're right it's not, BUT that's precisely the problem.  The only times I've ever been able to ditch the excess weight has been either out of an eating disorder or out of necessity in my mind. 

I know pregnancies and such have a way of changing a woman's body, and for me it's been devastating.  I feel like I've got a deflated balloon hanging around my stomach.  With all good intentions of trying to prevent streach marks I would cocoa butter up my stomach and hips damn near five times a day, and I still have some of the deepest and most defined marks I've ever seen.  With all of the streaching my stomach did to make room for my two wonderful babies, it's left me with some excess skin and not so much elastin left.  Now I know, there are some mothers who look at their streach marks and think of them as "battle scars" for the births of their children.  And while I absolutely love my kids, I hate what the pregnancies did to my stomach.  Grant it, I've never been particularly fond of my stomach in the first place, but, if prior to having my children I had to choose between a completely nude photograph showing everything with only my stomach covered up or just a picture of my stomach shown, I would have quickly gone with the stomach shot.  Now sadly, without out a skip of a beat I would choose option 1.  It really just disgusts me. 

I can't tell you the last time I was able to stand completely nude in front of a mirror without grimmacing. In fact, I don't remember the last time I actually took a good hard look at my stomach at all. 

Here in lies the problem.  I hate how my stomach makes me feel about myself.  I hate the extra weight I've been carrying for 7 years now.  I can justify all the reasons I why I want to lose the weight, to tone up, etc.  I watch shows that motivate me for a day or two like Heavy, The Biggest Loser, I Used To Be Fat, etc.  Before you think it, I know watching television isn't going to get any of the weight off, but the only time I allow myself to watch these shows is if I'm on the treadmill, or doing some form of exercise. 

While I find these shows to be of great motivation sometimes IE; if they can do it, so can I, but I also find that they can just as easily alter my mentality a bit.  They give me reason to say in my mind; see you don't have it so bad. You're weight is not life threatening, etc.  So sometimes, it's just easier to say to myself, you can just maintain.  You've been doing it so long, maybe this is the right weight for you.  Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be.  But if this is where I'm supposed to be, why do I cover up all my full length mirrors?  Why can I not be comfortable in my own skin? 

Is the confidence I'm looking for even connected to my body issues?  Maybe it's all part of a grander scheme.  I'm just stuck.  It drives me crazy.  I want to, but I don't need to.. I should, but the laundry needs to get put away.. I have to, but I don't want to right now..

I just need to figure out a way to remove the "but" so I can lose the gutt.

Conquering The First Step

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.  
- Albert Einstein

I wholeheartedly agree with this and after last night, I know it's completely 100% true.  One of my goals that I've had as long as I could remember was to go to college and get a degree.  For a long time I thought that it was possible, hell up until I was denied financial aide I thought it was possible. Even then, I never let go of the hope that some day I would be back sitting in a class room, stressing out over an exam. 

In the beginning my desire to go on to school was fueled by a few different factors.  The first being, it's what every high school graduate does, the second, I wanted to be the first in my immediate family to graduate with a degree under my belt, and lastly, it was my ticket out of this small town.  Unfortunately, my home life's circumstances got the better of me.  My father passed away over Christmas break my sophomore year.  While it did get me down in the dumps, it also made me take a new outlook on life, one that greatly and sadly, but joyously all at once left my priorities all out of whack. 

I filled my schedule with everything from pom and cheer to the musicals and stage crew fully enveloping myself and focus into those things that would force me to concentrate on everything other than what was going on at home.  For that I was utterly grateful, I didn't want to cope with my dad's loss and in fact, it made life easier.  I wasn't always on the verge of a breakdown when I had to perform.  I had to be a character, I wasn't me, I was the cheerleader, the part in the play, etc.  I really did have some great times in my roles and I'm so very thankful for that. My justification was, life is too short not to enjoy yourself.

But in the time that I was busy "enjoying" myself, I was going home at night completely exhausted, physically and mentally.  Do you know how hard it is to smile when you're coming off of an all night cry fest that no one knows about? It was in those times when I was lying in bed at night trying to get my mind to shut off that I would become overwhelmed with the reality that my father was dead.  It suffocated me. I slept few hours a night, if any.  In turn living my life to the fullest, left me to ignore my education.  I started to let my grades slip.  Nothing terrible, but looking back, I know I certainly didn't give it my all in trying or for that matter my full attention in class.  This continued for the remainder of my high school year, the packed schedule and going home letting my life overwhelm me. 

Come the middle of senior year when everyone was busy studying for the ACTs, filling out FASFA forms and college applications, I was still wrapped up in my own head and to this day, I would average it that I'm still wrapped up 85% of the time.  I guess you could say, I've just become accustom to blocking me out when necessary and going on with the show, so to speak.  Anyway, it came time to get at least a little serious about my education, after all, it was something I still wanted. So I applied to a few schools, filled out my FASFA and did everything I was supposed to do. 

I was lucky enough to receive a scholarship to a school in Texas I applied to on a whim, just because I liked the name and the mascot.  It was a full ride for the entire year as long as I maintained a GPA of 3.00 or higher.  I knew I could do it as far as the GPA went, but what I couldn't do, was leave my mom after just losing my dad.  She was a wreck.  Though I know she would kill me to say this to just about anyone she knows, but I heard her sobs late at night, I knew when the scar near her eye would turn red, that she'd been crying.  She always tried to keep up the strong front, but with me it didn't work.  When she realized I had caught on, though I knew all along, I became her support.  So, instead of taking the scholarship and going to Texas for school, I graciously declined, giving the college the excuse "I've decided on another school."  For the longest time, I kept that a secret from my mother.  In fact it was only in the last two years I've mentioned Texas. Just as I suspected, she blamed her self, only now, there was nothing she could do.  The past is the past and you can't change that. 

After turning down the scholarship, I was relying heavily on FASFA to help me out so I could afford at least my first semester.  I don't come from a family of means, and well now that my dad was gone, and it was just my mom handling everything, there was no way she would have been able to help me out. So I waited and waited and I finally received my FASFA information back.  DECLINED. When I called to enquire about why I was declined they said that they had found two CDs that my father had left me.  Totalling $8,000.00.  What they failed to realize is that even given the CDs I couldn't touch them until I was 21, unless it was for purpose of a wedding or a home purchase based upon my fathers set up.  I'm not sure why he didn't put college as an acceptable means, but I think it was my dad's way of saying, I to help you have everything I had to work for. Maybe it slipped his mind, who knows. But there it was DECLINED.

My heart sank. I told myself, I would go back to school eventually.  After all, colleges are not going anywhere.  Shortly after my graduation, my life became a whirl wind. I got married at 19, bought a house, pregnant shortly there after with my son, a just shy of a year after he was born pregnant with my daughter, next thing I know I'm 22 married, two kids, working part time, and running the household.  On top of your standard kid expenses, the mortgage, etc I also married my husbands credit card debt. Sometimes, even still though we're down from 5 cards to just 2, we're paycheck to paycheck. 

There's nothing worse than wanting something so badly, to see where you went wrong in the past, and to feel like now it's just a game of chance.  When will I get my chance?

Well, from time to time you just have to torture yourself a bit.  And that's exactly what I've been doing these last few days.  I've been scanning schools, doing practice placement tests (how dumb that made me feel! it's only been 5 years) and trying to relearn some of the most basic algebra.  So much so that I've gone to the point of setting up a college visit for the local community college and an appointment to meet with an advisor.  Now, I'm not sure if I can afford it yet or not, but you know what, if I don't know the price I might have to pay I'm never going to know.  So here's to conquering the first step.  Even if it means I have to turn right back around and step down, at least this way I know. 

A Storm Is Brewing

Sometimes I think my over analytical brain tells me that there is more going on than what's been presented. At the same time, there's this overwhelming sense of doubting myself, my gut's been wrong before. The tricky part is knowing how to handle the battle.

Do I go the ignorance is bliss route and deny myself to allow the toxic emotions to take control turning me into a worrisome, guarded individual? Or do I confront what my gut is telling me and turn into an accusatory, non trusting, over zealous individual? 

I feel at a loss right now, because no option is a good option and the longer I sit here silent, with my heart screaming inside, the more I want to retreat into myself. The less I want to make the first move, but if I don't, who will? Its almost like looking in a mirror believing what you're seeing is a replica only to find out it's all a parody.

It's so hard to figure out the right words to say, when you can't even pin point the exact emotions you're trying to describe.  Its almost as if there are so many emotions twisted into a tornado that there's no hope to stop the damage it's creating in it's path until the dust settles and the storm passes. 

So you sit and wait, burring your head between your knees like the ridiculous school drills you did as a kid, only this time your arms are up covering your head as you rock back and forth trying to keep anyone from seeing the tears streaming down your face and instead of sitting with your back against the wall you're in the middle of your shower with the water on full blast at it's highest temperature scolding your back as your hair starts to droop over your face and you become oblivious to everything around you.

I've Been Hiding

From my blog.  All to easy it is for words to come spewing out like vomit. So I've initiated a little hiatus you could say. Waiting for the words to make their way into sentences rather than fragments of my thoughts. I'm sure before too long, I'll make my way back into filling your mind with the random oddities that consume me.  But for now, all I can focus on is this jumbled mess of emotions that I'm trying to maintain, contain, sustain, none of the words that are popping into my mind at the moment actually fit what I'm trying to say here, so signing off for a little while.

It Hits You and You're Like DUH!

You ever have those moments when you randomly hear a song and it fits everything just so perfectly?  Well I had one of those moments tonight.  I was in the shower doing my thing, dancing, washing my hair, singing way off key, and the next song came on; in an instant, I knew this is exactly what my hearts been trying to say. 

Now why I haven't thought of this song before, I'm not sure why.  After all I love me some George Strait, but still it never occurred to me before tonight. Now you can take the romantic connotation out of this song, or hell even leave it in and it all still makes so much sense. 

But with this song, it was really was a DUH! moment on my part.  I'm not always the best when it comes to expressing how I feel about those I love to them, so I try to show it the best I can.  I've got this great friend, my best friend in fact, and I don't know that I always show him or tell him how much he really means to me.  I mean I try, I'm just not good at it.  So when I heard this song, it says everything I couldn't find the wording to say. 

Just knowing that he cares and loves me for me, well it makes every day a little easier, so when it's a rough one, just knowing I've got his love, well it makes all the difference.  

Funny how a certain smell can make you want to give a total stranger a hug and bury your face into his chest.

To Find Meaning In My Life

"Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else's skin.  It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too."

- Frederick Buechner

If I could take on the burdens and pain of those I love, I would without hesitation.  I've always found myself to be a very compassionate, empathetic person; sometimes to a fault.  But as the years have gone by, I have slowly allowed it to envelope me.  It makes me feel as if I am a better person, that maybe, even if only on a small scale I can make a difference in the world.  That's all I really want out of this life; is to make a difference, to touch someones heart, to give them what unrequited desires I had, the love and acceptance that I have longed for for as long as I can remember. 

I'm not saying I want to be the next Mother Theresa or Gandhi.  But just to make someones life a little easier.  A couple days ago, I was told I was a great friend.  Now this isn't the first time I've heard that, but there was something about this last time where I actually believed it 100% in my heart.  It wasn't until I was searching for a response that the words "It's what I'm here for." came into my mind.  When I said those words, it took me by surprise.  It was like the first time you see fireworks as a kid.  I was in awe and wonderment as to why it's taken me so long to finally see what I've known so much about for so long.

It was definitely more of an awakening in my soul that took place with those few words.  I understand now why it is important to me to be a good friend, to be the best friend one can turn to.  I never had that until this last year.  I know I'm a little all over the place and my emotions have their way of running the show no matter how hard I fight them sometimes, but this is the first time in so long that I've actually felt I make a difference even if it's only minuscule.  I'm happy with that.