Beauty and The Beast Within

"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."

- Kahlil Gibran

I couldn't agree more with this quote.  Have you ever noticed a gorgeous man or a beautiful woman and thought to yourself, "Wow, he/she must be happy, have it all, etc." I know I have in the past, not so much anymore, but I guess you could say, I've grown up a bit and all of the fairy tale happy endings bullshit has come and gone.  Perhaps, I'm more of a pessimist? I don't think I am, maybe just more of a rationalist or realistic?

I know I've spent many years striving to be that "perfect" girl.  For years on end, I did this crazy combination of anorexia, bulimia, and way too much exercise.  I literally would go days without eating and then when I did, I ate only enough to satisfy me in that very moment and would make my way to the nearest restroom to get rid of the "excess."  If I woke up in the middle of the night with my stomach gnawing at me, I would force myself to repeat sets of a hundred crunches until I was again so exhausted I could sleep. 

I suppose when you're 12 and your father asks you "Is the hallway shrinking or is your ass just getting that much bigger?" It sticks with you.  Now, I don't blame my father, his sense of humor was very different.  Still no excuses, things like that made an impact, coupling it with not being "good enough" and the fact I was an early bloomer didn't help matters much I'm sure. 

I still to this day cannot go into a restroom shortly after a meal without an overwhelming sense of involuntary vomit.   I guess when you train yourself that's how its done for so long, you're body views it as the "right thing" for lack of better words.  I struggle everyday with trying to come to terms with my own body image, some days are better than others, and some days tear me apart, near breaking point I guess you could say. 

So lately I've been feeling the desire to drop a few pounds, tone up and slim down.  If you want to get technical, according to a BMI calculator, as a 24 year old who is 5'2" and 145 pounds, I am "overweight."  I don't care so much what the scale says, but I've not been feeling good about myself.  It's not so much about wanting to wear a bikini once again, that will probably never happen.  My stomach has been drastically changed since having my two kids.  Not sure that I'll ever be so confident to get into a bikini again.  All I really want, is to feel good in my everyday clothes.  Knowing they fit right, no muffin tops, not suctioned to my thighs, and well I don't want my arms to jiggle when I wave. 

I know it's not what is on the outside that matters, but what if I feel like the outside doesn't match who I am on the inside?  And with my past habits, I'm worried I'll slip back into the same habits and routines.  It's how many of these attempts in the past have failed, I saw the warning signs and I ran for cover, getting no where close to what my goals are.  I know it's a lifestyle change, but I'm just trying to find a lifestyle that works with the one I have and actually staying to the changes.  I'm not one of the lucky one's who's metabolism does all the work.  I know it's going to be difficult.  I know it's not going to be fun.  Now I just need to figure out how to get started.

Annoyances

"The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards."

- Alexander Jablokov

No matter what type of trip you're taking, a journey of self discovery, a trip to the grocery store, a cross country road trip, you will find these people.  Alexander Jablokov couldn't have put it more simply. 

I'm not sure why I can be so easily annoyed.  Perhaps it's my impatience, or maybe it's a shrill in a person's voice?  I'm not sure why and I'm sure it makes me sound like a bitch when I say it, but fact is, the world is filled with annoying people.  Normally, I don't give in to these whims of aggrivation, but I certainly fill my mind with thoughts of things I'd like to do in those moments.  For example, today at work, I answered the phone and recognized the woman's name immediately.  It wasn't even a minute until we were closing.  Instantly, I was annoyed.  All I could think about was to just hang up on her.  Of course I didn't, but it wasn't that the want wasn't there.  It certainly was. 

I guess when you've done telemarketing for a year and a half, and then work at a private association, you develope "thick skin" so to speak.  I guess you could say most of my jobs have fallen into the customer service field in some way shape or form.  On one side of the fence I'm utterly thankful to have experienced what I like to consider those that are most ungratefully, rude SOB's that walk amongst us.  They remind me to say thank you to everyone who serves me and to be a little bit nicer to those simply doing unpleasant jobs.  I've been there, I can appreciate their efforts.  On the other hand, it leaves me with a disheartened feeling that sinks into my heart thinking that our society has become just as simply put before ungrateful. 

Now I'm not saying that everyone is an ungratefully rude SOB, believe me, I know many good hearted people who are thankful everyday simply to be alive.  But I find it quite alarming the rate of which I've seen less of the good guys and more of the bad.  How does it happen?  Where does it start?  Is there someone we can blame?  Not that playing the blame game is going to do much good.

But when I think about this, a lot of it comes down to parenting, I think.  I'm not saying that there are not good parents out there whose children have gone awry.  But I seen a change in parenting style over the last decade that is just down right scary.  Who lets a five year old ride their bike wherever they like by themselves?  It's just not right.  I think a lot of what I see is the "If they're out of my hair, I don't care." attitude.  Not only is it not safe, but it's very sad.  Every child deserves a parents love, attention, time, care, etc.  So why has it become "acceptable" to parents to rely on the community to keep their children safe, when they are the ones who should be held responsible.

I live in small town America.  Not much of a crime rate around here, but still, it's unacceptable.  At least in my eyes.  Who knows, sometimes I think I should have lived in the 1950's. 

Childhood, Was I Ever Real?

"When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood."

- Sam Ewing

It may be easy enough said for Sam, but what about for those of us who live with the constant reminder?  Those of us who've stayed so close to our childhood stomping grounds?  Clearly it's easy to say, it's your own fault, it's your choice to stay where you are, but then again you don't know the circumstances in my life either.  Believe me when I say it's easier said than done.

I sit here in my home, a mere 7 miles from where I grew up, and well since I went to school in this town, I guess you could say it's all one and the same.  Sometimes it's a fondness I feel, but other times it's like being trapped.  I ran into a classmate of mine, one who's been here the entire time just as I have been, and she was surprised to find out I've been here all along.  We haven't seen each other since graduation.  Not that it was all that long ago, but 5 years is a long time to go without seeing someone in a town of 1200.

I guess you could say, I'm pretty much a homebody.  I don't go out often.  My life seems to revolve around my part time job and my two kids.  It's not that I'm not a sociable person, I like people generally speaking, it's just I've found myself in a place of deep retrospect.  I've been trying to figure out who I am, only to find, I don't think I've ever known.

So I've gone digging in my past, back to my childhood.  And well, I've started to realize the awful truth, some memories I've had go back as far as kindergarten, but mostly those are quick flashes of school, standing in line, the teachers classroom things like that, oh and the one kid who used to eat the paste and steal my crayons.  But I've been trying to find out if there has ever been a time that when I was with my peers that I didn't try to be something I wasn't.  I remember in the third grade, that I was trying so desperately to be friends with one particular girl, that I refused to wear my glasses at school, because the cool girls didn't have glasses.  And that I pretended to like chick flicks, romantic comedies, etc.  when really, I wanted to watch the scary horror flicks with lots of blood, guts and gore. 

So as early as third grade, I remember putting on a front.  Being someone I wasn't.  And I don't think I've ever out grown that.  It's become so easy to "fit the mold" of what is important to those around me, I've forgotten all of the things that make me me. 

Sure I still love horror movies, I like being outdoors, but I feel like if you strip all of the labels from my daily life; mom, daughter, wife, sister, employee, friend and you leave just me, and me alone, I'm not sure who I would be. 

I just wish there was some kind of guide book that I could follow to tell me where it all went wrong.  When, where, and how I found it to be easier to lose myself than to stand alone.  I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable completely in my own skin, but a girl can only hope.

Maybe someday...

How Do You Know?

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you.  When you dare to reveal yourself fully.  When you dare to be vulnerable."

- Joyce Brothers

I love my friends.  I think, sometimes too strongly.  I often wonder and in an attempt to silence those wavering thoughts that perhaps I'm too quick to give my heart.   I'm not an easy egg to crack.  So once someone cracks through my shell and sees me, actually SEES ME, I'm quick to become attached. 

I always worried that when I make friends that I'm quick to give too much of myself.  Of course, as strange as it is, not many actually get to see me.  Resulting in a very small circle of friends.  In fact, they are far and few.  So when I meet someone that I connect so incredibly well with, I give them everything, no holding back.  I think I should be sheltering my heart a bit.  Once before it's lead me down this path, blinded by my own feelings of trust and comfort, I've shared some of my darkest days.  Only to find the feelings weren't so mutual. 

It's easy to hear what you want to hear, especially when you need to hear it.  So how do you pick out those that are being genuine versus those who are using you for their own selfish needs?  I guess you could say I feel like an easy target.  I crave so badly to be understood, that I seemingly put too much stock into others.  I hate when these self doubting thoughts fill my mind.  But when you've experienced so much trust being shattered, it's easy for them to creep back into mind. 

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  But what if I'm right?  What if all these little triggers are pointing in the right direction?  Am I a pawn in some sick game?  Am I simply a fun case of manipulation?  And maybe this is the exact reason I'm so prone to losing friends, I second guess their motives.  I guess you could say, I don't know what it's like to have a true friend.  Not one that didn't/doesn't have some kind of expectation of modification from who I am.  Well, not one where I don't feel that change isn't necessary or at least hiding part of who I am. 

I don't know.

So maybe the problems not with the friends I select, but rather my own fear of being used and abused.  It torments me to think that I'm setting all things pure and good up for an ultimate end of failure based upon my own self conciousness and doubt.  I guess I'm just not ready to completely give up on thinking there is someone who understands this complex I consider my life. 

My thoughts flutter back and forth between knowing for certain in my heart that I have finally found someone who accepts me even at my worst but yet I can't help but feel as if I'm dedicating so much time and energy into something that may be a facade.  I hate it.  It's awful.  It's always been there.  I always feel like I'm waiting.  Just simply waiting for the worst to come.  Almost undeserving of anything good. 

So when the good comes, I wait for it to leave.  It always has in the past.  So what makes now different?  Perhaps I should just keep these thoughts to myself.  Perhaps I should let the worry consume my daily life.  Perhaps I should throw them out the window and believe that there is some good in humanity today.  All these perhaps, leave me with only more questions to answer, more grief to be contained, more disappoint in myself and others, when do you call it quits?  How do you call it quits with yourself; to just simply let go of the baggage you've carried so long that you can freely and openly accept life as it is in the now? 

Talent With A Troubled Past

So last night in the wee hours of the morning I found myself watching the show Intervention on A&E.  Now, normally I don't watch too many of these shows, but last night was different.  Last night, I could relate to the loneliness that haunted Joe.  You can check out his story here.  While we don't have much in common, I still could not help but to feel for this man, not much older than myself.

Something about the empty feeling of loneliness he felt, knowing in my own time, I too had been there, made me want to reach out to him.  To give him a shoulder.  To be a friend.  Now, while I hadn't gone to the extremes Joe did, I found my own way to cope.  That can be saved for a later time.  What really surprised me about this episode though was the effect it had on me.  For whatever reason, Joe's family seemingly pin pointed him as the "bad guy" when really all he ever wanted was to feel acceptance, love, friendship, anything but loneliness. 

To be honest, I don't usually feel all that sympathetic to people who are struggling with an addiction.  That sounds awful even ignorant, I know.  But please don't take it that way, I am aware that with every addiction there is a story of how it started.  Though all too often it seems the story comes from peer pressure or being a rebelious teen.  Don't get me wrong, I too have been a teenager once, so I know the pressures that are put on teens and believe me, I know all about being "rebelious."  I did a few things in my day that I'm certainly not proud of.

What I find most facinating about Joe is the incredible talent he has.  The one video I have found and posted shows what an beautiful gift he has for music.  I am simply awwed by it.  For what it's worth, I hope Joe stays clean, finds happiness, continues in his music endeavors and becomes a real success story.  So far, I would say he's just that, a success.  I wish him the best.

Who knew an episode of Intervention would leave me with such a fondness for a stranger?

Cashmere & Laughs

"As an adult I've found the reason why my mother and I disagreed so much in my childhood.  I'm a replica of her and now that I'm older and have those "I just sounded like my mother."  moments, I do not scoff, I take pride."

- Babers

My mother is my friend.  Well now that I'm older anyway.  For years in my childhood, we couldn't even be in the same room without some sort of argument occurring.  I am so much like my mother, the similarities in our personality, our sense of humor, our outlook on life, can be quite uncanny.  Sometimes I wish I would have seen the revelation sooner in life, though it didn't take too long, but I think of the years wasted between us.  Well, wasted is a harsh word, they were never wasted, but it certainly wasn't the happiest time for either of us.  After all, what mother and child would want to fight constantly?

Man was I a stubborn problem child.  Though in my defense, I am my mother's daughter.  She had a good chance of knowing what was to come from me.  Now, my mom is a constant driving force in my life.  I can honestly say, I am just like my mother, and you know what, it's not a bad thing.  I can only hope I have the same relationship with my own children as I have with my mom. 

Yesterday, we embarked on a clothes shopping trip amongst other things.  Let me be the first to say, I really don't care for clothes shopping.  I'm one of those short, fairly well busted girls who's got to try on every pair of jeans and every single top on to be sure they fit.  It's a long process.  While my mother on the hand is very tall and slender, smaller chest, but yes, my mother and I have clothes shopping issues.  I believe in one instance yesterday, we took 10 items into the dressing room only to come out with 3 items between us. 

Kohls is such a great place to shop.  Where else can you save $70 on a cashmere sweater?  I've yet to find such a shop.  One thing I love most about my mom, is the fact that the two of us can spend nearly 3 hours in the store, trying on a ton of clothes, including my mother getting into a jumper for sheer giggles, FYI: it would have made for a great UPS stripper costume!, and still be in such a good mood at the end of our nearly 7 hour excursion. 

I can honestly say, I'm blessed to have my mom as my friend.  Never would have seen it in the forecast when I was between 8-13 but I'm happy how things panned out.  I am a spitting image of my mother and I couldn't be more proud.

SOME DAYS!

"Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools."

- Albert Einstein

And today, I'm a fool.  Sometimes, I don't even know where it comes from.  I get in such foul moods.  Apparently, it's "stress."  Or so they say, it'll calm down when you get some time to yourself.  HA!  Like that ever happens.  Perhaps I should be more greedy?  It's not in my nature. 

What a fucking contradiction from my last post huh?  Bi-polar much?  Maybe.  Oh, well.  Woe is me doesn't get me anywhere.  Let's just take the normal route eh?  Internalize everything.  Perhaps my day to blow will come soon enough.

Doesn't it make me an awful mother to ignore my childs cries to be on my lap, covering my ears with my head down?  Just give me 10 minutes.  10 minutes of silence.  Is that too much to ask for?   Trust me it's for the best.  Rather to ignore her than simply snap at her huh? 

Over rationalizing everything.  Status Quo.  Aw, fuck it.

Solo Trip?

"Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world.  Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before.  Let your soul take you where you long to be.  Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before."

- Erich Fromm

For some, it may be easy to turn everything off while still in their day to day surroundings.  For me it's not so easy.  I just can't seem to close off everything and if by chance I do manage it, it's not long before the concentration is broken.  So today while I was at work, fighting to keep tears hidden and struggling to answer the phone with a painful lump in my throat, I began contemplating something I haven't thought about in recent years.  Though it's something I've always wanted to do, I just haven't made the time. 

A solo trip.  Just me, some music, my car, a tent and the open road.  Get outta dodge so to speak.  Maybe I need to just get away from everything that I feel defines me.  Out of my comfort zone, out of my mind a little, and most importantly, away from everyone.   So, once I was home I broached the idea to my husband, and believe it or not, he was much more supportive than I expected.  Frankly, I thought he would whine about not going, or how much it would cost, yada yada yada, which is the normal shpeil I would get.  But I think it's evident, that this just might be what I need.  

Now clearly I can't just up and go whenever the hell I damn well please.  So a little planning and scheduling will be in the mix.  But for the most part I'm thinking about just wingin it and see what happens.  So as of now, I'm going to pencil in some me time.  Some MAJOR me time at that.  Now, I've just got to stick to it and remind myself not to feel guilty about it.   

Love and Genetics

So, I tend to have random racing thoughts in my head any of which can be triggered by a commercial on tv, a song on the radio, or like in today's case, a picture in a magazine.  Now the picture it's self isn't really so important as what connection in my brain it made.  I like to imagine my brain is like an old school operator "Who can I connect you with today?"  but in rapid succession.

Anyway, the picture was of a very light skinned man, with light blonde hair, of which you could tell it had been dyed, but the connection was made anyway to an episode of MTV's True Life I had watched some time ago.  This particular episode was focused on teens/people living with albinism.  It was very educational and actual quite enjoyable to watch.  Check it out here.   Now, for whatever reason, thinking about this episode, I recalled a scene towards the end where one of the kids with albinism when to a function that was strictly towards people with albinism. 

No big deal, but yet again, my mind was off and running like wild fire.  And I couldn't help but think, how at ease these kids must have been to be with people who face the same struggle and how easy to relate to them it must be.  What a comfort.  Then my train of thought crossed the parental wires running through my brain, and got a little tripped up.  Not just regarding albinism, but all genetic "defects" I really hate the way that sounds.  Someone needs to come up with better terminology.  Anyway, now I know enough about genetics to understand carriers are people who have this genetic trait but do not posses the trait themselves and also that if two people are carriers and have children, there is a good chance their children will posses the trait as when joined the trait can become a dominant gene. 

So my thoughts were, if you knew both you and your spouse were carriers of a certain gene would you still have children?  At the same time, my heart screams at me, of course you would have children!  Who's to say you shouldn't?  and a whole slew of things at the moment, that to try and write them all down would take at least an hour.  Anyway, now let's flip this for a second, if you for example had albinism (not the gene, but actual albinism) would you opt to fall in love with someone who shares your experience or someone without albinism?  Knowing what you had gone through as a person dealing with it, would you feel as though it would be unfair to knowingly put a child through that? 

Forgive me for my ignorance on this, it's just I've asked myself the questions, and I'm torn.  What would I do?  I've got no idea.  On one hand, I'm entitled to fall in love with and have children with whom ever I choose.  Then on the other hand, I think of the kids, would I want to give them a rougher road than necessary if it could be prevented?  Now, I'm not saying all people who are born with a genetic defect live a rough or unhappy life by any means, I'm just thinking out loud here.  What would you do? 

Diddlin & Dabblin

So today I got it in my head that I would "create" something, anything really.  At first I had no idea as to what I wanted to do.  Did I want to cook or bake? No.  Hmm.. maybe I'll draw something, nah.  So I started poking around with some poetry and then with a short story I had started, which to say the least wasn't working out either.  At that point, I nearly gave up.  Instead of giving up, I thought I would go for some good old fashioned inspiration.  I pulled out a few of my prior "creations" and started digging around. 

So as I was going through some old poems and short stories, it dawned on me.  Why not take something I've already done, put it with some pictures, music and such.  So here it is, the final project.  Though I probably shouldn't say final as it's always likely to be changed.  Knowing me and my perfectionism anyway.  It's not perfect, but it's what I came up with after getting fed up with my computer running slow. 

It's nothing special, but it's something.  And well, I guess you could say the creative urge has left my system for the day. 

Grudges

"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee."

- William H. Walton

Something I hate to admit about my character, but I find myself quick to hold grudges.  Not necessarily for the smallest reasons, but reasons nonetheless.  I don't think having the capacity to hold a grudge is an attractive quality, which is probably why I hate to admit it. 

I'm not certain as to why somethings I just can't seem to move past and other things that seemingly would be of greater damage get a free pass.  For example; one of my ex-boyfriends, whom at the time I thought was a perfect fit for me even though we had our differences, had cheated on me with someone who I considered a friend.  Now while it was very upsetting, I felt a numerous different things spanning from betrayal to guilt and anything in between, minus happy of course.  But for him, I do not hold a grudge.  After all, he taught me something. 

But there are somethings, that I cannot move past like when I was 10 and my best friend at the time was "stolen" from me by the girl up the street.  I felt like the other girl had changed my friend.  Suddenly, when she came around, I was no longer good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, cool enough, to be friends with.  She slowly drifted further and further away from me.  While it makes sense for me to be angry with my childhood friend, I can't help but still hold a grudge against the girl up the street.  I know it sounds ridiculous and I'm very aware how childish my grudge is, but to this day, I hold a quiet resentment towards the girl who stole my friend from me. 

Then there are the deep grudges, the unforgivable actions in my book, that I cannot let go of.  It's not pretty, it's actually quite bothersome.   Why can I not let go?  After all, it's not like I vocalize these grudges (with the exception of this blog now) or even really let anyone in on them.  They just seethe below the surface.  What good can come of that?

Silence - Friend or Foe?

When a moment of quiet washes over me, sometimes I feel relief, but other times it sends me into a panic.  Something about the silence changes me, depending on my present mood.  There's a difference in comparison of my good and bad days to most others.  I can be stressed to my very limit, I could get into an argument with my husband, the kids can be driving me crazy, I could have a screw up at work, and all of that combined, as long as I'm not thinking about me, those are my good days.  My bad days, on the outside all can be well, nothing out of the ordinary, it's the thought process that's running through my mind.  If I can't get away from myself, then to me, it's a bad day.  A day I wasn't able to block my own thoughts.

On my good days, silence is an end all.  It seems to assist in the bad, wearing me down, and bringing me in, nearly like a black hole, it seems futile to even try to stop it.  But on my bad days, silence is my sanctuary.  It's a little weird how it works.  I don't like to be alone in my head, thinking only of myself.  It allows for too much self revelation and exploration, and about 90% of the time, I don't like what I find.  So when everything is hectic, and there's no time for me, but I still manage to be able to focus my energy on everyone else, well that comes as a relief to me. 

So little time is given to the silence for me, in my day to day world.  It's only in a moment of desperation I beg, plead, demand my quiet.  It's solace and comfort to quiet the inner chattering of my mind, is a dear friend.  But silence for me on a good day, only brings pain, pain I feel so deeply inside, I crave to feel it literally.  I've mostly moved past my old habits and ways, but it doesn't mean that the desire and want is not there.  I think it always will be as long as there is silence on a good day.

Helplessness

"Only another mother can understand the helpless feeling a mother endures when her child is sick and suffering."

- Babers

Tonight once I was home from picking my children up from my in laws home, I noticed that my son seemed to be very hot to the touch.  Upon checking his temperature, what I found was to be correct.  A whopping 101.8* fever on our hands.  So the normal routine ensued, Tylenol to take the fever down, a cool compress and lots of snuggles with mom.  About an hour later, his started complaining that his ears hurt and proceeded to cover his ears any time his sister would squeal or the dog would bark.  So we snuggled some more and shortly after his ear incident he said he felt sick.  And sick he got.  Poor baby, he couldn't stand it.  He said it went up his nose, and it hurt and he cried so hard.  After that his ears were off the charts, finally I managed to get him settled down with a warm compress and his head on my chest.  He fell asleep. 

To not be able to make my little man feel better, is the worst feeling in the world.  As a mom, it's the hardest thing to face.  A mommy is supposed to make everything all better.  I can't imagine how mothers of children with serious illnesses manage the heartaches they must face.  My heart breaks for them.  To all the mothers out there, battling those heartaches, I find inspiration in your strength and send all well wishes and hopes of health to your families.

A Breathe Of Fresh Air

"We need old friends to help us grow old and new friends to help us stay young."

- Letty Cottin Pogrebin

Tonight, I was out with an old acquaintence, that I now consider a new friend.  Only from time to time do we get together, and even though we've just began spending time together, there is already a sense of comfort.  For me, I know I can make an ass out of myself in front of her, simply because well, it breaks the ice. 

She's a little guarded, she's got her fair share of pain to bare, but I find that we come to a place of mutual understanding.  In simply we're two young women who've gone off the beaten path, and along the way, lost many of the friends we once had.  To get together once in a while for a bit to eat and to have conversations outside our normal routines, is like a breathe of fresh air.  Reinvigorating. 

To her I offer an ear, a heart, and shoulders to cry on.  To me, she simply gives me her time and laughs when I make a fool of myself.   A near perfect balancing act when so many things can seem out of place.

Soul Friends?

"A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.  But to live with a soul mate forever?  Nah, too painful.  Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.  A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life."

- Elizabeth Gilbert

Often when little girls grow up, Disney, fairy tales, and story books lead us to believe that there is a "soul mate" out there with whom we'll fall happily ever after in love with.  I find the thought while sweet and endearing, I must say, when I came across Elizabeth Gilbert's point of view on "soul mates", I couldn't help but agree, with a slight modification of my own point of view. 

I feel that, if there is such a thing as "soul mates", why put yourself in a place of jeopardizing what you have with that person?  So I would like to rephrase the term "soul mates", into "soul friends".  If you have a "soul friend", think about it, you have many new options in front of you other than the let down of not achieving your happily ever after ending.  After all, the divorce rate is already above 50%.  Some people walk into our lives for only a brief time, others hang in there a little while longer, but have you ever seen a couple of old ladies or men who've been friends for most of their lifetime?  It's rarely seen.  Why is that?  Do too many people marry their "soul mate" and when the day to day life becomes too hard with no breathing room, they end up cursing the beauty of what they first fell in love with?

There's nothing wrong with loving your friends, in fact I find it much easier to love a friend versus a significant other.  With a friend, there is no pressure, no financial problems, no parenting problems, no meddling in laws, no keeping up with the Jones, you don't have the stresses that are put onto a marriage.  So why not keep your "soul mate" as your "soul friend" instead? 

Too Little, Too Much, Trying To Find Just Enough

"Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow."

- Swedish Proverb

I've been known to worry too much and too little depending on the subject I'm concerned with.  So how do I find the middle ground, enough worry to be considered caring, but not too much to become fretful?  I tend to rely on what my heart and head to tell me, but what happens when the wires are crossed and you can't define the difference?  Of course worry comes naturally to me. 

How easily it is to cross the lines back and forth between too little and too much.  I seem to not even notice the middle ground.  Perhaps the lines are so close in only that of my mind?  Maybe, my worry level is just right and I'm worried that it's wrong?  I'm not certain about much, but what I am certain of, is that worries come and go, and some worries, just have a way of lingering so long and deep within me that they are no longer worries, simple bad memories, dreams, and fears that even I cannot escape. 

While I find worrying to be healthy in most cases, it can even inspire us to make a difference, in some cases, it can become quite destructive.  Better known as anxiety, normally brought upon by stress, which is usually caused by the first little inklings of worry.  Funny how it comes full circle.  Tonight though, I'm not to give into my worries, they are not of anxiety measures, simple concerns. 

How do I manage?  I block it out, force my idled mind to go into overdrive in the opposite direction.  My mind is a cruel place to be, but it is also one of the most pleasurable places to be, it just depends on the day.  The inner workings of me, seem to get along just fine from the outside, but I would be lying if I said there wasn't a dusty old box covered in blankets of cobwebs, hidden at the far back of the attic.  Once in a while, like we all do, I take out that box of memories and face some of my most frightening demons.  They stare back at me, with intent of harm written all over their faces.  I break, frantically fight to push the demons back into their places, throw the blanket over the box and get out as quickly as I can.  Sometimes I'm lucky, and they all remain locked securely in the attic, for only me to see, and sometimes, I'm not so lucky and a demon or two will haunt me for a day or a week.  While no one can see the demons, they are always there with me just locked in a box, for only me to see.

Motivation, Or Lack There Of

"People often say that motivation doesn't last.  Well, neither does bathing.  That's why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

After the holiday season, my house always seems to be in disarray.  As I sit here looking at the heaping mounds of laundry yet to do, I just cannot seem to find the umpf to get up, wash, dry, fold and put it away.   Sure, I can see the benefits of having it done; clean clothes, no more piles of laundry on my floor, and one less thing to do tomorrow.  Of course when I'm done here, I will force myself to do it, cause it needs to get done. But what fun is that?  Forcing yourself to do something you don't like.  I just wish I could find a way to enjoy doing the mundane daily chores in my life, but who really enjoys doing laundry?  Clearly, not I.

Anyway, I seem to find myself in this predicament often enough, lacking the motivation to get things done.  Whether it be a simple chore of cleaning or pertaining to new years resolutions, you know the standard, lose weight, get into shape, blah, blah, blah.  So this morning I googled motivation to see if I could at all get a jump start.  I read a few quotes, stumbled across some advertising webpages for "motivation in a box" which at least made me laugh, and then a read a few blogs.  One page in particular stood out, because it seems to give you a step by step of achieving nearly any goal you put their techniques to.  Zen Habits had a great article that you can find here, to get off your butt and get moving so to speak. 

Whether you put their tips towards your own new years resolutions, your goals before swim suit season, or to the mere ponderances of personal change, they sound like they can be a real help.  Say you want to eat healthier, but the thought of cooked carrots makes you gag, or that you want to lose 20 pounds, but the boredom of a tredmill keeps you from even starting, these tips give you the tools to find new motivation, or excitement if you will, of obtaining your goals. 

I personally am looking forward to attempting a few of these and will let you know if they have been of any help to me.  After having read through a few of the suggestions, I've found I've already implimented a couple into my routine, before I even knew they were "tips."  So, kudos to me. Yes, I just did a little celebration for myself for being so "smart."  :)  But as for now, laundry beckons and it doesn't look like I'm going to have much luck with my imaginary magic wand, it appears to be broken. 

So hopefully, even if these tips don't pan out for me, they will help someone else.  Good luck on your goals, whatever they may be. 

It's My Birthday!

"Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown.  No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end.  Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing."

- Jerry Seinfeld

Another year older.  Sure, I could be as admittedly, I have been in past years, desolate in terms of my birthday, after all, it's just another day right?  Well this past year I have been truely blessed to have a new found friend, who on my birthday today, made me feel like I was the most important person in the world.  Who doesn't want that; especially on their birthday?  I never knew how much a simple gift of words could be worth.  To my friend, I would like to say thank you.  Your words are a treasured gift. 

As far as Jerry Seinfeld goes, it must be a sad, sad world to live in to have such a dismal view on birthdays.  I too have known that sad world, and would just like to say, it is possible for growth within yourself.  I certainly am not the same person today as I was 5-10 years ago.  Life changes, circumstances change, and certainly, there are little life gifts that are given to us in forms of simple pleasures and friendship.  Sometimes, we may not recognize these gifts in front of us and it becomes too late to take joy in their presence, we'll never get those moments back. 

So on that note a little word of advice, take a moment to appreciate the beauty in your life and all that is good.  If you have a mouse in your wall, just be happy you have a home to live in, if all you have to keep you company is a pad of paper and a pen, be happy that you can now make your own world come alive, feel the rain fall on your face, watch the clouds above soaring past, step barefoot in the grass, or snow in my current case, and enjoy the sensations that you are alive. 

Dreams

"Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last night, I had a dream, one that was quite disturbing to me.  While I don't tend to put much stock into my dreams, I do believe that at certain times in our lives there are reasons we dream what we do.  Is there a greater influence brought upon us by some unknown force or perhaps, is it our way of facing our own fears?  I'm not sure.  I do love Freud's take on the symbolization of dreams.  If you would like take a look, you can find it here.  Anyway, I'll share my dream with you, feel free to give any thoughts about it in the comments. 

I was in my childhood home, at the age I am now.  I received a phone call from one of our local deputies, I'll leave his name out, he proceeded to tell me as nicely as he could, that my younger brother and mom had been in a terrible car accident and had not made it, and that I would need to come identify the bodies.  After a moment of shock, I remained calm and made my way to the morgue.  The morgue was located in the basement of a hospital, and as I walked with the deputy down the long corridor to the morgue, I remember not feeling much of anything.  When we entered the morgue, I saw a lot of people standing around, not saying anything, which I found to be odd.  The deputy continued walking almost as if he did not see the people I was seeing.  As we're approaching the tables, I then saw my mom and brother standing along with the other people.  It was only then when I saw that my brothers head was pretty well busted up and my mothers legs appeared mangled, almost looking like hamburger meat, that I realized all of these people standing were dead.  We continued with the identification, calmly, almost no emotion at all, I said "Yes, that is my mom and brother." As the detective and I were making our way back up to the hospital to leave, a little girl grabbed my hand.  It hurt, like it was burning.  And when I looked at her, her lips were not moving, but in my head I heard a her say "Please tell them to stop, it hurts so bad, just let me be dead."  After reaching the lobby area of the hospital, we were pushed out of the way for a group of paramedics pushing the same little girl that was holding my hand on the gurney in front of me.  They said she had flat lined, but continued with their CPR.  All of a sudden the little girl let go of my hand and shortly there after, from down the hall, I heard "She's back.   Stay with me baby girl."  And then I woke up.

When I woke up, my first thought was to check my hand, it hurt, though I blame this on my funny sleeping position, it still makes me wonder.  The part in the dream I find so disturbing though is not that I was seeing dead people, the little girl, but my reaction and way I handled identifying my family's bodies.  I'm not sure what to make of this dream and I have a feeling Freud would have a hay day in my head.  But I suppose now that its been said and done, I'm now heading back off to the land of nod.  Hopefully tonights dreams will lead me to sunny Florida where its warm and a great friend awaits.  Hey, a girl can daydream about the dreams she wants to have at night can't she?   Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Needs VS Wants

"Necessity is not an established fact, but an interpretation."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

When I'm think of my needs, there are far and few true necessities.  Air, shelter, food, and water; are the necessities to survive.  But what about happiness, human connections, and most importantly love?  Do they fall under the category of a necessity?  Or are they simply wants? 

Of course, it is in our nature to desire social interactions, happiness and love, but does it mean that we cannot survive without these things?  If we were to remove ourselves from everything society has shown us to be considered the norm, where would we be?   Is it possible, to find love and happiness if we remove the social interactions from our lives?  Solace, simple living, alone.  Can one find contentment in themselves to the point of a blissful, long lasting love affair within themselves?  Or is love and happiness only available when others are introduced into the picture? 

But then the question begs to be asked; why is it always said that in order to love another, you must love yourself first?  I'm not sure I fully understand this concept, as I have, for many years, been in a love hate relationship of my own.  I love my kids, I love my mother, I love my husband, and I love my very dear friends, but I certainly don't always love myself.  It's easy for me to preach the words and to make sense of them, but should I be allowed to give the advice, if I myself, have yet to figure out how to do the very same thing?

 

Through Someone Else's Eyes

"We often have this idea of ourselves that is completely false until we're lucky enough to have someone shine new light and perspective upon us."

-Babers

From the outside looking in has always been a fascinating viewpoint to have.  I, along with millions of other people in this world, enjoy people watching.  For some of us, it's about being creative and making up stories of what the others are doing, saying, etc.  For others, it's simply the admiration of human life, and for some like me, it's all about the human interactions and trying to see beyond the outer shell of the person.  Perhaps, it's because I spend so much time hiding the person inside of me, that I try to see the same thing in others.  To see the real person in front of me, not just what they give me.

There will always be a false bravado in today's society, and perhaps that's for the best.  I know in my case, if my every thought, action, and seemingly down right self hatred moment escaped into the midst of my daily life, there would most likely be nothing left of what I consider to be my normal.  Far and few, have come to see the depths of who I am as a person, in honesty, some of those that would be considered closest, still have no idea as to who I am at my core.  Frankly, some days I don't even know who I am. 

However, last June, I become connected to someone from my past, who honestly, was never really a part of it.  That sure does sound confusing doesn't it?  Mainly, we're from the same small town, our mothers worked together briefly, and we shared some of the same friends, though we, ourselves were never much more than a face in the crowd to each other.  Over the last 6/7 months we've become closer than any other friendship I've had over the course of my lifetime.  Our commonalities, our backgrounds, and the hardships we've both faced in our lives has been truly remarkable in the sense of their pairing, almost as if they were from the same cloth.  I've never been more comfortable in my own skin, than when I'm sharing day to day basics or getting to the grimy underside of our pasts. 

Introductions If I Must

"There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest."
— Anaïs Nin

This, is me in a nutshell.  I've always been much like she describes; two women rolled into one body.  I've got my secrets, my past, and certain truths I've yet to admit even to myself.  I also consider myself to be book like in the sense that really everything that I am, is there in the pages so to speak.  Sometimes, the information just gets passed over in the introductions and index, far and few have the patience to take in those pages.  I've decided come this new year to document the revelations, thoughts, fears, emotions, day to day hum drums of my existence in hopes that maybe in some way shape or form, I can help someone, if only to humor them for a brief moment of their time.